My wife is really into the holidays. We celebrate Christmas in a very big way. She says she loves the whole thing – the decorating, shopping, wrapping, even getting boxes ready to ship. I try to believe her, but she seems incredibly stressed from Thanksgiving til Christmas. This means that she doesn’t have any energy for me. There’s no affection and absolutely no sex during this whole time. This happens every year. When the kids were little I could understand it. But now our kids are older and pretty independent.
I hate to admit it, but I resent it all. I know this sounds selfish, but if I don’t start getting the affection and intimacy I want for Christmas this year, I’m hanging up my Santa hat. I won’t help her anymore. What do you suggest?
From,
Bad Santa
Dear Santa,
I hear you. These are particularly stressful times. We’re bombarded with messages about perfect holidays. We try to create beautiful memories for our families, but many of us do too much and cause ourselves a lot of stress. Unfortunately, no matter how we work, we often disappoint those we love most.
Affection and intimacy are usually the first thing to go when we’re tired and overwhelmed. Your feelings of frustration (and even rejection) are very common. As much as we’d like to be connected during the holidays, long lists of things to do often make us too tired to be present for each other. You haven’t said that you’re thinking about divorce, but it’s still worth remembering that every relationship is vulnerable. Hopefully you’ll be able to communicate with your wife about how you’re feeling without making her feel misunderstood or hurt so that you both get your needs met.
I imagine she’s doing all these things so that the kids have a great Christmas and lots of good experiences. But you should both remember that the most important gift you can give your kids is your strong loving relationship. It’s better than any gaming system or gift card and it can’t be replaced or returned. If your relationship is broken it’ll be hard to repair. But also realize that your wife is doing a tremendous amount of work for your family. Supporting her as she gets everything done is one of the ways that you can be sure she has time for you and for intimacy. Keeping these things in balance is challenging but you can do it.
Here’s what I suggest:
- Remember the real meaning of the holidays. Try to keep consumerism in check while focusing on connection with your family and with each other. Studies document the impact of clutter on stress hormones — particularly for women with kids. All the “stuff” drives us crazy and then we add to it when we’re shopping. Don’t hang up your Santa hat; instead, help her prioritize your purchases and activities so that she feels supported. Of course it’s great to buy gifts for your family, friends and loved ones. They probably appreciate your thoughtfulness. But don’t go overboard.
- Talk about your expectations and desires. Sometimes this includes things you loved from your childhoods. Sometimes you want to avoid things from the past. You may be reacting to traumatic events in a way that neither of you recognize. Understanding each other’s holiday history will help you both to make day-to-day choices during this busy time without getting triggered. Create traditions and holiday experiences that make you both feel loved and understood.
- Make time to connect with each other — without pressure to perform. Maybe tell your wife that something you’d like for Christmas this year are sexy date nights. The romantic environment around town can be a great atmosphere. Don’t let yourselves get overwhelmed with worry. Sexy Santa Time can be wonderful. Put it on the calendar. Use your creativity to enjoy time together when the kids are away from home and things are private around the house.
Jingle jingle. You got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality.
This article appears in Dec 13, 2023 – Dec 25, 2024.
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No sexy time for a month and the husband is struggling with resentment? I feel sorry for the wife. I wonder what would happen if she got physically ill for a month and couldn’t physically have sex? I am betting the husband would consider an affair.
This seems like very young adult drama stuff, not mature intimacy or connection.
An old friend of mine was very grateful she married a mature minded, humble, compassionate man when she needed back surgery. Did her husband throw an immature ‘either’ ‘or’ fit when she couldn’t have sex for six weeks post surgery. No, he did not. He was kind and supportive.
Instead of gratitude that his wife is trying to make the holidays great for the family, with clearly all the energy she has, all this man can think about is himself.
I am guessing that his wife is actually the one who is secretly considering divorce.
There is nothing less sexy, in my opinion, than a man whining about lack of sex…well, maybe a sex therapist who is negatively biased towards women…
A great piece of advice for men is: the more you whine about lack of sex, give ultimatums, build resentment over not getting physical intimacy, the less women generally want to provide that for you. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure that out.