Understanding Intimacy

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m a 39-year-old single woman. I have a great job, a nice place and a really cute dog. Overall, I’m happy. The problem’s been dating. The men my age don’t usually have the maturity I’m looking for and most older men seem incredibly entitled. A while back, I connected with a mid-50s man here. He’s not my physical type — he’s not incredibly fit, but we had a good connection in lots of ways. He took care of my plants and my dog when I traveled for work, and we were good friends who cared for each other without worrying about the future. The sex was great because we’re both pretty kinky.

Everything seemed great, but early last month he ghosted me for no apparent reason. We had a great time together one Friday and that Saturday he stopped communicating completely — wouldn’t answer my texts or voicemails at all. At first, I was worried that something serious had happened to him, but he’s a social media influencer and I can see his posts, so I know he’s OK. It’s obviously over, but I’m super confused about what happened. The lack of closure is killing me. What should I do?

—Ghosted in Bend

Dear Ghosted,

It’s the season for ghosts — and not just the BBC sitcom kind. Fall’s in the air, leaves are flying, and most summer clothes are packed away. Unfortunately, “ghosting” — which is defined as when someone unilaterally cuts off communication with a friend, lover or family member without warning or explanation — has become a common part of life. Of course, a friend or lover can disconnect without communicating at any time of the year, but during autumn it’s particularly difficult because sweater season’s such a romantic and cozy time for intimacy and connection.

I’m so sorry that this happened. Here are three things I hope will help:

Release him: It’s good that you realize the situation’s over. Trying to work things out is likely a waste of your time and emotional energy. People who ghost others do it because they don’t have good conflict resolution skills. His way of communicating is likely embedded into his personality and there’s nothing you can do to change that. He would definitely benefit from personal growth work — or even better, therapy, but you can’t make that happen. Enjoy any good memories that you have and let him go.

Receive help: Get support from a friend or maybe talk to a therapist about him. It’s extremely hurtful when someone ghosts you. You probably feel rejected and confused by what happened. Ghosting creates an ambiguous and unresolved loss. It’s a good time to do some personal work as you let go of the inevitable feelings about your situation. Do you feel disrespected by him sexually? Is it more the loss of the friendship that’s bothering you? Is it something else? Sometimes it helps to write a letter or detailed text explaining how you feel. You don’t need to send it — in fact, I suggest that you don’t, but writing about your feelings can make you feel better. It can give you insight so that you feel stronger and more confident in relationships as you go forward.

Reflect on what happened: When things like this happen, we have an opportunity to learn about what we really want from relationships in the future. The sex was good with him, which is great. But how do you feel about the casual part of your connection? Was something missing for you? Are you OK with another situationship like what you had with him — something with no strings attached? When you imagine another relationship, would you like it to include shared plans for your lives? Maybe you’d like to go to his family events and to bring him to yours? Let yourself dream of what would feel good. Acknowledge your real desires as you take next steps in finding a partner who’s a good fit for you.

It’s very unsettling when someone ends a relationship without talking to you about what happened. My advice: learn what you can from the experience, remember the good parts and let it go.

You got this.

Dr. Jane

This article appears in Source Weekly October 10, 2024.