Understanding Intimacy: Rejected in Bed

I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of six years. We’re both mid-30s, in good shape and successful. Everything’s perfect except for sex. At the beginning, the sex was great, but it’s completely off now. I want it, but he’s just not interested. He’s under a lot of stress, but the lack of sex has become really painful for me. I told my friend about this, and she asked me if he was gay. I guess it’s a possibility, but I doubt it. I think he’s just not that into me. I teach yoga, run distance and have a slim build. Other guys hit on me all the time. Apparently, I’m attractive enough. I don’t know how to bring it up. We’ve had occasional conversations about it and it seems like talking about it just makes things worse. Can you help?

From,

Rejected in Bed, in Bend

Dear Rejected,

Desire discrepancy between lovers where the male partner has lower libido is very common. In my practice, I see many couples where the woman has a higher sex drive than her male partner. When men aren’t interested, their partners wonder what’s wrong. Often, they blame themselves. Does their partner desire another person — either gay or straight? Is their sex unsatisfying? Why have things changed? They worry that their partner’s been watching porn or cheating in real life with someone else.

The most common reason that men stop being turned on with their partners (particularly during the earlier years of their relationship) is a fear of vulnerability and intimacy.

Tip #1: Get Professional Help

Your therapist or coach can help you take a look at what’s happening as an objective third party. Spoiler alert: There’s no magic bullet for this type of problem — nor is there for most sex issues. Usually, the answers lie in loving each other, letting go of expectations, being responsible for your own turn on, getting support if you’re triggered by traumatic events from the past and addressing communication and health-related concerns. That said, it’s tough to take care of all those things without someone to motivate you, understand you and encourage you. Get professional help and see what happens.

Tip #2: Get Specific Information

It’s crucial to know what’s really going on. Start out by trying to figure out if there are specific health problems in the way. Things like hormone issues, cardiac concerns or diabetes can really impact libido. Is he overweight? Is he in good shape? Does he exercise regularly? Is he struggling with a painful injury to his back, knees or shoulders? What about his sexual practices? How often does he self-pleasure? Does he watch a lot of porn? Does he have an “addiction” to porn? Does he have specific sexual concerns such as generalized erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation? Does he get morning wood? How about his overall stress level? Is he depressed? Does he have ADHD or OCD? Does he need support for his mental health?

Tip #3: Get Connected with Each Other (and Off Your Phones)

Despite all the “connection” we supposedly experience these days, having internet-based relationships isn’t providing any of us with a real sense of community or personal intimacy. In fact, most studies show that we’re even more dissatisfied with our lives than we’ve ever been. This is true in our friendships and in our most intimate relationships. These relationships are often suffering because we’re distracted by our lives online.

To solve your sex problem, start by changing the way you both “do phone.” Sometimes it’s helpful to put the phones away at a certain time of night; sometimes it’s good to delete apps or change the coloration on your screen. Maybe even leave the phones somewhere outside the bedroom when you go to bed. Whatever you decide to do, realize that if you’re like most couples, your phones are likely keeping you from connecting intimately. You can’t communicate properly with your phones constantly interrupting. This can be a relatively easy fix, and it will help lots of areas in your life — not just in the bedroom.

You got this.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.

This article appears in The Source Weekly January 9, 2025.