Understanding Intimacy

Dear Dr. Jane,

My husband and I have some minor communication problems, but overall we get along pretty well. Last summer, we started couples’ counselling because I discovered that he was secretly watching porn. My sister said that it wasn’t a big deal, but it feels terrible to me. We have a pretty good sex life considering how busy we are, but I’m heartbroken about this. Am I crazy to care so much?

From,

Heartbroken by porn in Bend

Dear Heart Broken,

The Porn Thing is a real challenge for many couples. Lots of people watch porn and sometimes their partners don’t mind. It might not be a big deal as long as their behavior isn’t in the addictive category. But, even if it’s not addictive, people who watch porn often feel embarrassed. They see it as a private part of their lives and they often don’t want to talk about it.

This can be OK, but watching commercial porn also gives men and women unrealistic ideas about how sex looks and feels in real life. If your partner has learned about sex from porn, he probably doesn’t have a lot of information about how to connect with you, please you or initiate intimacy with you. He might have fantasies from porn that you’d never want to explore. You may have developed unrealistic ideas about how real women look and feel during sex as well.

Here are 4 problems with porn that you should talk with your husband about plus some simple ways to resolve them.

Problem #1 : Porn can feel like cheating.

The solution is to restore trust. Hopefully your couples’ counselor has helped you express your feelings of hurt about what’s happening here. It sounds to me that you’re feeling betrayed because you know that he’s been turned on by watching other people and not by you. That might not be true to him but you’re feeling rejected. This is important for you to communicate with him. Hopefully he won’t downplay your concerns, and you can get through this with the help of your counselor.

Problem #2 Porn is filmed for the camera angle – not for pleasure.

The solution is to be honest about what you want. Things like oral sex can look hot on porn, but what really pleases you or your partner are often very different from what they’re showing. Be open and honest about how you like what he’s doing. Include your feelings about different positions. I know that it may be difficult for you to tell him what you like. Try to be honest and open.

Problem #3 Porn creates bad habits — like gripping too hard, ending too soon or finishing too late.

The solution is to wean off porn and create better habits. Something for him to be aware of is that watching a lot of porn can lead to future sexual performance problems such as early or delayed ejaculation or even erectile dysfunction. It’s also a very isolating and even addictive experience that can have significant negative repercussions. Hopefully with time, your husband will cut back (or even stop) his porn usage. Changing from porn sex to open hearted sex isn’t necessarily easy, but in the long run it’ll be much more satisfying to both of you.

Problem #4: Porn doesn’t include how to get things started.

The solution is to figure out how to initiate intimacy. Although lots of couples do OK once they’re naked and in bed, it can be difficult to get things started. Because porn never addresses this, your husband may expect you to show up acting like a turned-on porn star on a Tuesday after soccer practice. Of course, you’re just a woman who has all the normal stresses and concerns in life. Even after a special date night it can be hard to get in the mood. If it works, play around a little bit before going out when you’re both still feeling fresh and energetic instead of exhausted after two glasses of Pinot Noir. Get rid of feeling pressure to perform. Take time together to cuddle and kiss without expecting anything more. Be creative.

Love yourself and your partner. You got this.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. She works to help women and their partners release shame and increase confidence in themselves.
Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.

This article appears in Source Weekly May 8, 2025.