Understanding Intimacy: Freaked Out

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m in my second marriage and our relationship is amazing. Our sex life is very healthy. Here’s the problem: in my previous marriage, we had a dead bedroom. We had sex only once or twice a year for many years. It was incredibly difficult for me because I’m someone who feels most intimate when I’m having sex. I know that my current wife loves me and enjoys sex, but I get really freaked out when we’re having a dry spell.

What do you suggest for people like me who are experiencing triggering moments because of a dead-bedroom relationship from the past?

— Freaked out

It makes perfect sense that you’re feeling this way. And, you’re not alone in this. A past dead bedroom relationship is triggering for many people.

In the beginning of a relationship, New Relationship Energy (NRE) can be very powerful. It gives you hope that this relationship is DIFFERENT and that it will never be like your last relationship. You’re safe from a dead bedroom FOREVER! What a relief!

But, as time passes, you realize that your expectations about sex are unrealistic. Things are cooling off somewhat because of everything that’s going on. Maybe the kids need to find their cleats for soccer. There’s a never-ending pile of laundry calling. The cat just threw up. Sex is still great, but it happens less and less often.

No matter how much passion you felt during the early stages, your relationship has shifted into more of a day-to-day flow. Even though you know this, when your partner says “no” to physical intimacy, the part of your brain called the amygdala goes into overdrive. The amygdala is one of the main parts of your brain that’s responsible for your emotional reactions to things.

You experience this as “triggering.”

Triggering includes the signs and symptoms of amygdala overdrive such as a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and the inability to think clearly. Other things that might happen to you are feeling checked out, or in severe cases, dissociating — feeling like you’ve left your body.

This makes sense. You’re panicking! You’re afraid it’s happening again. Part of you thinks that you literally won’t survive. You have no idea how to handle it.

My advice: Try not to overreact. You’re feeling triggered which means you have a grasping energy that can be off-putting to your partner. Here’s what to do instead, in three simple steps:

Tell your partner how much your sex life means to you. Explain that the primary way you feel connected and intimate is when you’re having sex. Let her know that you adore your physical connection. Tell her how sexy she is to you and how much you appreciate her warmth, affection and openness in your marriage.

Talk with her about your sex life. Easy, authentic communication is the number one way to ensure your sex life continues to be healthy and satisfying. Make improving your sex life one of your relationship priorities. By focusing on making your sex life better and better, you’re guaranteeing that you won’t have a dead bedroom in this marriage. This is a fun project. It’s also a reminder that just like other things in life, great sex doesn’t just magically happen. You need to work on it just like you work on anything that matters to you.

Don’t put too much pressure on her to have sex. She loves being with you, but she’s also got a life going on. Let her know that you understand that sometimes things get in the way of having sex. This doesn’t mean she lost interest. She’s not going to be in the mood all the time (and probably neither will you!) Give her space. Partner up with her on the mental load around the house. Split up the chores equitably so that you both have the mental and physical energy to be present sexually.

Doing these three things will get your relationship grounded. And, if you need help after you do these three things, don’t wait too long. Reach out to a sex-positive professional for support and guidance on next steps.

You got this,

Dr. Jane

This article appears in Source Weekly April 13, 2023.