I want to divorce my car. Really! I’m getting so tired of the traffic in Bend! You know what I mean – horn honking, bumper riding, finger flicking – basically city people who have moved here from wherever and taught their rude ways to their children.
My biggest grief is sitting for what seems like an hour at so many of Bend’s stoplights waiting many times for no traffic to cross. I assume (remember assume is ass of u and me) that there is someone who has control of these lights, but I wonder in a time of all the “Greenies” preaching conservation why I have to sit at idle at these hour-long lights and waste my time and gas. I don’t know who you are Mr. Traffic Controller and don’t care because I don’t associate with people who are college educated but have no common sense, unless I have to. But can’t you get traffic to move better without having to sit in the hot Central Oregon sun at Reed Market or 27th and Highway 20 waiting for a green light?
The biggest reason I haven’t divorced my car is because if I did I would have to be a “bicycler.” You know who I mean. The ones who think they are above the law and don’t stop for stop signs, finger you as you drive by and ride in packs like a bunch of gay Hell’s Angels and make traffic stop from both directions until their prissy pink and purple pooters have passed. I used to love my bike when I was a kid – you know when the boy’s bikes had the nut crasher bar from the seat to the steering post and the girls dipped low for skirts and other truly feminine accoutrements – but if I have to wear those tight black britches and pink and purple shirt I think I’ll have a talk with my car about a reconciliation. Maybe Mr. Traffic Engineer will move off to Portland soon and talk the ‘Bicyclers’ into going with him/her and we Bendovers can get someone who understands traffic.
Rich Baessler, Bend
This article appears in Jul 31 – Aug 6, 2008.
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“They” want you sitting at those lights for hours. Eventually, you’ll get hungry and pull off the main drag for some tasty patties of frog grass, or perhaps a frosted liter of Thongdropper Ale.
Odd, that “they” have had synchronized lights since Edison, the bastard, came up with the damn things. One can only assume (yes, I know) that Bends ruling elite has their collective noggins firmly ensconced in whats left of their purple pooter covered manly asses.
As for the pinhead gay Hells Angels in their purple pooters, I recommend installing triple air horns filched from atop a nearby idling locomotive, and install the largest 10 ply knobby tires you can squeeze under the fenderwells of your rusted heap, and while blasting your fine new airhorns like a perverse maniac high on meth, attempt to run the bastards down. Life can be fun if you work at it.
You advocate murder as a reaction to traffic congestion?
Dude, you have some serious issues to deal with…
RJ
At least it’s summer and we don’t have to deal with large groups of children taking over the crosswalks for 10 minutes at a time while they walk to school. Nothing infuriates me more than having to sit there twiddling my thumbs while all those kids nonchalantly take over the road. There should be a law about having only 5 pedestrians allowed on a crosswalk at any one time. I’ve been late more than once because of this – and then I have to drive even faster afterwards so I’m not even later. I won’t tell you what would happen if I were to then encounter a herd of cyclists taking over the road…
my, you all sound like your in a hurry. Leave earlier, then you can take your time, and enjoy your ride to work ect. And the school children would feel safer too. SLOW DOWN!
Couldn’t agree more about the traffic lights — Bend has the LONGEST damn lights I have seen anywhere. (Or so it seems, anyway; I haven’t actually timed them.) The light at Reed Market and 3rd is THE worst, although the one at Greenwood and 3rd is close. Part of the problem at Reed Market and 3rd is there’s another light at Brosterhous and 3rd; the two lights are too close together, so gridlock develops.
Another pet traffic peeve is the idiots who INSIST on making left turns onto Reed Market from American Lane even during the height of rush hour, causing traffic to back up for half a mile behind them. Until the city fixes that intersection (I understand it might happen sometime early in the 22nd century) why can’t it prohibit left turns there?
And then there are the dildos who, instead of moving ahead promptly when the light changes, sit there motionless with their thumbs up their bums for about 30 seconds, with the result that you end up waiting through two or three lights. A huge pain in the ass and a huge waste of gas.