Everything's Coming Up Roses and Straight Poop

Monday, Jan. 2

Flexing their missiles: Iran test-fires two long-range missiles, continues threatening to disrupt shipping through crucial Strait of Hormuz … Mission unaccomplished: Arab League observers admit they’d failed to stop violence in Syria, with 390 killed since they arrived three days ago … Bitter ending: Benjamin Colton Barnes, Iraq war veteran suspected of fatally shooting park ranger, found frozen to death in chest-deep snow in Mount Rainier National Park after massive manhunt … The force was with him: Bob Anderson, master swordsman who played Darth Vader in light-saber fights with Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker, dies at 89 … Fashionistas of the gridiron: University of Oregon football team astonishes world with Darth Vader-like uniforms. In related development, Ducks beat Wisconsin 45-38 in Rose Bowl.

Tuesday, Jan. 3

Landslide in the heartland: Mitt Romney beats Rick Santorum by a puny eight votes in Iowa caucuses; Ron Paul is close third … Michelle Bachmann finishes dead last, drops out of race … Twitter newbie Rupert Murdoch tweets his support of Santorum, says he’s “only candidate with genuine big vision” for US. Yes, it’s the vision that scares us … Let the good times roll: Luxury British automaker Bentley reports 37 percent surge in sales in 2011, paced by its Continental GT, base price over $200,000 … Peace feelers? Taliban publicly expresses interest in talks with US, gets approval from Afghanistan government to open office in Qatar … Meanwhile Israeli and Palestinian negotiators meet for first time in 15 months, but report no progress … The Cult of Steve: Chinese company announces it’ll market action figure of the late Steve Jobs for $99; pre-orders so heavy they crash website.

Wednesday, Jan. 4

Make mine Chicago-style: Romney rips President Obama’s recess appointment of consumer watchdog Richard Cordray as “Chicago-style politics at its worst” … Headed into New Hampshire primary, Romney picks up endorsement of losing 2008 presidential candidate Sen. John McCain … Meanwhile Santorum collects over $1 million in contributions in one night after almost beating Romney in Iowa caucuses … Shifting allegiances: Colin Myler, editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World until it was shut down in phone-hacking scandal, named editor-in-chief of New York Daily News, arch-rival of Murdoch’s New York Post … It’s a compliment, we guess: Scientists discover new species of hairy crab living in undersea volcanic vents, name it “The Hoff” after David Hasselhoff … Revenge of the pussycats: Chinese authorities say billionaire Long Liyuan killed by cat meat stew poisoned by local official in dispute over money.

Thursday, Jan. 5

On the road with the GOP Circus: College students in Concord, NH boo Santorum after he equates same-sex marriage with polygamy … Meanwhile Herman Cain (remember Herman Cain?) says he’ll launch bus tour a la Sarah Palin to promote his “999” tax plan … Ammo belt tightening: Obama announces plan to scale back military budget so US will no longer be able to fight two major wars at once … Killing for God: Wave of sectarian bombings leaves scores dead in Iraq … Resurrected: musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” once all but given up for dead, breaks record for highest one-week gross in Broadway history … This is real old school: Republican legislators in New Hampshire push bill requiring all new state laws to be based on Magna Carta, signed in 1215 … Geezer Power! Small group of elderly folks occupies and shuts down Bank of America branch near San Francisco.

Friday, Jan. 6

Going down and looking up: US Department of Labor Statistics reports unemployment rate fell to 8.5 percent in December, continuing trend that started in August … Nuclear retirement policy: In wake of Fukushima disaster, Japan decides to scrap all reactors more than 40 years old … Still crazy: Jared Lee Loughner, mentally ill man who shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and killed six others in Tucson last year, not expected to stand trial in 2012 … Jesus got his back: Justin Bieber, on the beach in LA, sports colorful new tattoo of Jesus on calf of left leg. He already had two others.

Saturday, Jan. 7

Taking it on faith: As South Carolina primary nears, Romney puts out mailer emphasizing his “faith,” but not mentioning he’s a Mormon … Five former ambassadors to Vatican endorse Romney over Catholics Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich … Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Rick Perry and Ron Paul file for Illinois primary; Jon Huntsman decides to sit it out … Welcome home, you’re under arrest: Pakistan says former president Pervez Musharraf will be charged with assassination of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto if he returns … Million-dollar baby: Beyonce and husband Jay-Z spend $1.3 million to rent entire floor of NYC hospital, where Beyonce gives birth to a girl, Blue Ivy Carter.

Sunday, Jan. 8

Following the script: Romney faces Santorum, Gingrich, Paul and Perry on “Meet the Press”; rivals rip him for not being conservative enough … In debate in New Hampshire, Gingrich calls Romney a “liar” for his attack ads; “This ain’t beanbag,” Mitt shoots back; Perry calls Obama a “socialist” … Nuking up: International Atomic Energy Agency confirms Iran making bomb-grade enriched uranium in underground bunker … Bizarre: Body found in woods near Queen Elizabeth’s estate of Sandringham identified as 17-year-old girl missing since August … Classy, sir, very classy: Mike O’Neal, Republican speaker of Kansas House of Representatives, sends email supporting assassination of Obama and calling Michelle “Mrs. YoMamma.”

This article appears in Jan 12-18, 2012.