Editor’s note: Mike McMenaminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your uncle’s backyard, hoping to fix the leak that his RV’s roof has sprung, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
HOPIATE
This must be the disappointment diehard Republicans and Evangelicals felt after Bush seized power. Democrats allowed to live; “Faith-based Initiatives” as effective as, well, the Bush Administration; those pesky scientists allowed to squawk about fallacies like global warming and teen pregnancy, despite the duct-tape over their mouths and millions for abstinence programs. Yet extraordinary renditions and environmental massacre were still all the rage. How’s your hope? Or, as my man Hank aptly termed, is Obama’s “Hopium” still hittin’? Extraordinary renditions continue, Republicans are still alive and cranky as ever, and the morass we all thought would ebb with Obama is sucking like a college freshman at her first kegger. His first 100 days hardly half over, let us take a deep breath and consider the trillions now promised, the thousands of more troops being sent abroad, and that monkey on our backs that’s itching for another fix. Hopiate, indeed…
RIP Wagoner
Rick Wagoner, the best CEO ever invented by foreign automakers, has agreed to step down from the sinking ship that is GM. Agreed isn’t the right term, though; more like forced out by a White House that isn’t Socialist but, rather, really super-duper concerned about the economy and the domestic auto industry. Wagoner, who will surely be replaced by someone with a more modern name, like Tip Canoe or Rex Carriage (GM is a very innovative company, after all), became CEO of GM in 2000 when the stock price was $80. Today the stock is worth less than a medium coffee, and Rick’s major contribution to this once-proud company was the Hummer. Yep, that’s about it. A vehicle for impotent jerks who never served in the Armed Forces – Which is about the only application for these multi-ton beasts, running over impotent jerks on the road. Thanks, Rick! Along with his estimated $20 million golden parachute, Rick’s next stop will ideally be Ikea, because those Swedes deserve some come-up-ins. On an international- and industry-related note, Chrysler was given 30 days by the White House to merge with Italian automaker Fiat, or its allowance will be cut off.
Disturbing Stuff to Distract Us From the Economy
Kaing Guek Eav is accused of torturing and killing more than 15,000 fellow Cambonians as the former prison chief for the Khmer Rouge – Oh, and he’s a former math teacher and born-again Christian. Columbian farm worker Arcedio Alvarez Quintero is accused of raping his daughter for decades and fathering eight children with her, which echoes the Austrian Josef Fritzl, who was recently sentenced to life in prison for imprisoning his daughter and fathering seven children with her. Watch your matches alert – A convicted arsonist escaped from London’s Pentonville prison by clinging to the underside of the security van that brought him into the big house. America also had its fair share of ugliness this week: A Massachusetts man murdered his two sisters, decapitating one in front of police; a Silicon Valley murder-suicide left six dead; and the carnage in Carthage, North Carolina was complete, when Robert Stewart entered a nursing home and opened fire, killing eight and wounding three. Equally disturbing news from the entertainment world this week: Rihanna got a gun tattoo as a sign of “empowerment” and Madonna wants to adopt more African kids, whether orphans or not.
Back to the News…
Volcanoes are showing signs of increased activity around the globe. Two volcanoes in eastern Congo are ready to blow, and Alaska’s Mt. Redoubt had an “ash emission event” (as reported by the Alaska Volcano Observatory) as high as 27,000 feet, and has been active since March 22 (with ash plumes reaching 65,000 feet), forcing the airport to close. Nearby, former GOP VP wannabe Sarah Palin blew her top (not to be confused with Todd) when informed that her former running mate, John McCain, is withholding any verbal support for her in 2012.
Awesome yet Useless Information
Play-Doh was originally developed to clean wallpaper; in Danish, LEGO means to “play well.” In the 1500s most people got married in June because they took their annual bath in May (the bouquet of flowers was carried to cover the stank). Despite the poor hygiene, the 1500s expanded our lexicon admirably, with visitors dropping by with rare and tasty pork (“bring home the bacon”) and hunks being cut off for guests to “chew the fat.”
Update from Last Week
The peace conference in South Africa that refused to allow the Dalai Lama to attend in order to “keep good relations” with China was cancelled. President Bush still has a $7 million book deal (seriously, it must be repeated that some sucker publisher – Crown in this case – is paying this piece of sh*t for his story on “important decisions”). Finally, and not to sound redundant but, OBAMA IS NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS AWAY! This important news comes from concerned unarmed and peaceful citizens, as well as ammunition manufacturers, who are reporting a major spike in orders due to rapid (and vapid) gun and ammo purchases by morons who believe every NRA email. Turn off Fox News, take a long walk, eat some cheese… There, don’t you feel better?
WTF!?: Drive-Thru Meth
We know that times are tough in the restaurant industry and owners are getting creative with happy hour menus and recession specials, but brothers Damian and Julian Castanedoa-Nino who owned the westside Rigoberto’s on Franklin raised the bar when they were arrested this week with more than $23,000 worth of marijuana and methamphetamine. While it’s nice to know that community will be hopefully rid of these dealers who we can only guess were using their restaurant as a front business, it would be almost equally great to get rid of the racist morons who, within a few hours of the arrest, extended the comment thread to 40 pages on one local news website with xenophobic hysteria. Last we checked, drug crime crosses all race and socioeconomic boundaries. It’s too bad we can’t deport idiocy. WTF.
Department of Corrections
Last week’s Boot (The Mt. Bachelor Voucher Fiasco) misstated the role of Bend’s Joe’s Outdoors store in the voucher situation. The local store did not sell vouchers, however it is providing customer refunds to those who purchased tickets at other outlets.
This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2009.
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Hot damn. Now THAT was a fun read! It put the screws to almost every idiot out there that simply piss me off with their stupidity. (Oh, and just so you know, before I wrote the above I turned off NPR, took a long walk and sucked down a micro beer and now I feel much, much better.)
Yeah, that particular website has become a real cesspool of racism and hatred. When I compained, the folks who run it simultaneously argued that their forum has no responsibility to serve the community and that allowing anonymous posts helps to expose racism in our community. So, I guess we are supposed to be grateful that they provide a forum for racism and hatred. Huh?
Michael: There is a difference between legal and illegal but that may not mean much to you since you are more concerned about racism. One of the brothers has a hold by immigration, that would indicate the bro is ILLEGAL !!!! I for one am not all that thrilled with illegal Mexicans dealing drugs in my country in a drive through to the high school students at lunch, that does not make me a racist or full of hate it’s my opinion as an American citizen or do I still have a right to that ?
It seems you must think that this Dude has the right to do whatever because he is a minority from a poor third world country, hell being white anymore is the minority. Not only that, people who are ticked off and tired of the BS are called intolerant politically incorrect racists.
I have no problem with Mexicans or any other race, if they want to deal meth and pot they can head on down to Mexico or where ever their country is and do it to their hearts content,as long as these criminals do so in their own country not mine, we have enough of our own American criminals to contend with.
So far we still live in a free country where we have a right to feel a little upset with people that are in our country illegally dealing drugs that could possibly cause physical harm to our kids, but I guess that makes people like us hateful racists.