MONDAY 27 This just in: Amanda Bynes was NOT “slapped on the vagina” by police—at least according to the police. Why are the police being accused of slapping Amanda Bynes on the vagina? Apparently she’s still very bottom-sore over last week’s arrest when police arrived at her residence, and she responded by tossing a bong […]
One Day at a Time
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY 20 As we’ve begrudgingly reported several times over the past few months, the single worst creature that has ever been birthed into any universe, Kim Kardashian (also known as Cthulhu, who shall bring about Ragnarök, who bleeds acid and feasts on puppies) is having a baby. With Kanye West. And this baby may or […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY 13 We start this week with a subtle message from Lindsay Lohan, currently serving a court-ordered sentence in the Betty Ford clinic: “LET MEEEE OUTTA HEEERE!!” As reported last week, Lindsay was desperately avoiding rehabs that might take away her beloved Adderall prescription (which she claims soothes her attention deficit disorder), and sure enough, […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY, MAY 6 Tonight marked one of the biggest social events of the year: the Met Costume Institute Gala, which is hosted by Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour and provides Hollyweird stars with the opportunity to make high-profile asses out of themselves. FOR EXAMPLE: This year’s theme was “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” in which celebs such […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY, APRIL 29 Is the most terrible relationship in the universe (that of Rihanna and her emotional/physical abuser Chris Brown) on the skids? HA! We should be so lucky. However, there have been some interesting indicators this week, starting with…1! Rihanna makes smoochy faces with random boy on Instagram. Chris responds by unfollowing RiRi on […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY, APRIL 22 Here’s an update on the arrest of actress Reese Witherspoon, hubby Jim Toth and her butcher-knife chin, which has been classified by law enforcement agencies as a “deadly weapon.” As reported last week, Jim was arrested in Atlanta for driving under the influence, while Reese was booked for being a complete drunken […]
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MONDAY, APRIL 15 Welcome to “America, You So CRAZY!” week—a remembrance of perhaps the worst week that Chris Brown had nothing to do with (at least at this point). TODAY: America reeled in horror when twin explosions at the Boston Marathon injured 170 people and killed three—including 8-year-old Martin Richard. According to authorities, the bombs […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY, APRIL 8 To the surprise of no one, and to the relief of many, angry humans douchebag Chris Brown and his abusee Rihanna are SPLITSVILLE. According to various sources, the split came about after RiRi had grew tired of Breezy’s tail-chasing ways—which culminated in a tail-chasing event at a NYC club on Saturday. Chris […]
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MONDAY, APRIL 1 Teen wet dream Justin Bieber is in the soup with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department over his alleged inability to keep saliva in his mouth. As you must remember from last week, the cops were called to Das Bieb’s residence after he reportedly raced his Ferrari at speeds of up to 100 […]
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One Day at a Time
MONDAY, MARCH 25 If you’re currently age 12 or under, prepare for the worst news ever: Rapidly aging pop star Justin Bieber is being investigated for alleged battery. According to TMZ, police were called to the 19-year-old’s California residence this morning following an “intense” verbal altercation with a neighbor regarding the singer’s new Ferrari—which Biebs […]