Dear Dr. Jane,
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. The kids are grown. We’re both retired and it’s going pretty well money wise. Our health isn’t bad — could be better, but overall, we’re grateful. We don’t sleep together anymore — mostly because she’s a light sleeper and I snore. Sex is almost non-existent at this point. We do attempt intimacy once in a while. Sometimes it’s enjoyable, other times it’s kind of humiliating for both of us. I’m overweight and don’t have much stamina. She’s recovering from hip surgery.
I get your emails. I do wish that we could make some progress in the bedroom, but at this point, I don’t know what to expect. We’re in our early 70’s. Is that too old for sex?
—Feeling Old in Bend
Dear Feeling Old,
I hear you! It’s hard to know what to expect about physical intimacy as we get older. Long gone are the passionate experiences of the 20’s, 30’s and even 40’s. Changes after menopause can really impact women’ s sexual openness. Orthopedic injuries — or even the day-to-day aches and pains can make sexy time feel not so sexy. Sometimes we stop sleeping in the same bed because of sleep issues. This can make it challenging to feel connected at the end of a long day the way you did when we were younger. Some of the concerns that older adults experience can include decreased libido, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness or pain during intercourse.
I know that all sounds daunting, but don’t worry. You’re wondering if 70 is too old to be intimate. My answer is absolutely not! You may be surprised to hear that old age is divided into 3 different parts. “Early Old” is 65 – 74 years old. “Middle Old” is 75 – 84 and “Old Old” is over 85.
You’re right in the middle of the “Early Old” Period.
The Early Old Period is a great time of life to address intimacy issues. You may have drifted apart romantically over the years. The stresses of career and family life often take a toll on romance. Remember what brought the two of you together. You can rekindle your intimacy and connection during this time.
Here’s what you should do now:
1. Accept what’s happening. Life comes with a round-trip ticket. We celebrate the arrival with huge enthusiasm. But, as we get toward the end of our journey, we are less and less open to embracing the changes that inevitably come our way. Unlike other cultures, American culture celebrates youth and vitality beyond all else. This is true in the area of sexuality. Accept where you are on this journey.
2. Develop a sense of humor about the whole thing. Let’s face it, sex is inherently funny. Even when bedroom activity involves young, sexy and passionate lovers, there can be plenty of funny moments. Eventually, the young and sexy part is just a memory and we’re left with two people who hopefully love each other but who have less flexibility, stamina and vitality. We aren’t swinging from the chandeliers. Remember the good times and the way it was when you were younger. Let yourselves laugh at whatever awkward situations come up right now.
3. Communicate about what physical intimacy might feel like during this time of life. Full sexual activity may not be possible for you as a couple right now. Maybe one of you is experiencing physical difficulty after a surgical procedure or illness. Maybe you’re in the middle of some kind of stressful change in your life that has nothing to do with getting older. This doesn’t mean that you can’t (or shouldn’t) experience intimate connection and pleasure. Some couples enjoy massage while others are comfortable discussing oral pleasures such as kissing. What could feel good for both of you under the current circumstances?
I know that talking about intimacy is challenging. Maybe you’re interested in getting the conversation going, but your partner is hesitant. I hear this all the time in my practice. When you bring it up, be kind. Get help if you need it.
You got this.
Xoxo
Dr. Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.
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