How to Get in the Mood While Exhausted

Dear Dr. Jane,

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have two elementary-school-aged kids. They just got out of school, and I’m already exhausted. We love them to death, but if I’m honest, they’re a lot — our 8-year-old daughter is neurodivergent, and our 6-year-old son is a whirlwind of energy. I read somewhere that you and your husband raised six kids. Honestly, I have no idea how anyone does that and survives. Kudos to you both for doing the impossible.

This question isn’t really about parenting (although it could be, lol) — it’s about sex and intimacy. With everything we’re navigating, it’s literally impossible to imagine feeling turned on. I’ve read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, so I know I have plenty of sexual “brakes.” But I think my real problem is a lack of accelerators. How do I get myself in the mood when I’m exhausted just from day-to-day life?

From,
Can’t Imagine Wanting Anything but a Nap

Dear Can’t Imagine Wanting,

Thank you so much for writing — I really feel you. Those years with the kids “on break” were some of the most wonderful and exhausting of my life. It’s such a challenge to be in charge of all the fun and the house and the work and… everything else.

The most important thing to know is this: you are not broken, and you’re not doing it wrong. Your nervous system simply isn’t wired to prioritize sexual desire when it’s busy running a dozen other systems at once. That’s actually a smart, protective feature, not a flaw — the animal part of our brain is designed to hold off on desire when we’re running on empty, so we don’t take on more than we can handle. It’s not a perfect system, but it makes sense.

That said, intimacy and connection are good for you, and they can genuinely help lower your stress rather than add to it. So what can you do? Here are three things to keep in mind:

1. Give yourself an off-ramp before you try to find the on-ramp.
Make space to decompress after being fully “on” with the kids, work, and life before trying to get in the mood. A 10–15 minute buffer — a shower alone, a walk, a few quiet minutes in the car — helps you exhale before you try to shift gears. Desire rarely shows up when your nervous system still thinks it’s on duty.

2. Stop waiting for spontaneous desire — build responsive desire instead.
You mentioned Nagoski’s brakes and accelerators, and she’s spot on. But it’s just as important to remember her distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire. Early in a relationship, desire often seems to appear out of nowhere. Over time, though, it usually needs to be invited more intentionally — that’s responsive desire. Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be amazing. You don’t need an elaborate date night to try it — responsive desire can start as simply as agreeing to some non-demand touch: a real kiss, a shoulder rub, a few minutes of cuddling with no expectation that it has to lead anywhere. Let your body catch up to the moment instead of trying to manufacture the mood before you’ve even begun.

3. Clear resentment and mental load off the table first.
Camps, pickups, drop-offs, birthday parties — it’s hard not to feel resentful when you’re the one holding it all together. If that’s you, talk with your partner about the mental load of running the household and how to actually share it — not “helping,” but true co-ownership. When that balance shifts, your nervous system gets the exhale it needs, and physical intimacy has room to come back into your life.

One more thing: give yourself grace this summer especially. Some seasons of parenting are simply harder on the nervous system than others, and this is one of them. You don’t have to force intimacy to prove you still love each other — you already know that. A few small, low-pressure moments of connection now can be enough to keep the thread alive until life opens back up a little.

You’ve got this.

Xoxo,
Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source July 9, 2026.