When Couples Counseling Works — But the Bedroom Doesn't - The Source

Dear Dr. Jane,

My wife and I will have been married for 20 years next week. In lots of ways, we’ve got a great relationship. We get along well and parent together without a lot of conflict about the kids. We exercise, eat well and have friends. We work from home, and most days, we like work. The problem is sex. Even though we’ve done years of couples counseling, things haven’t changed in the bedroom. We connect when we go on vacation, but that’s pretty seldom. In some ways, I think the counseling made things worse, because after all those sessions, the bedroom didn’t get better. Gotta say, I’m completely discouraged. I’m 53 and she’s 47. I don’t know what’s going to happen if we don’t fix this problem. We never touch at all, and I’m going crazy. Can you help?

From,
Going Crazy in Bend

Dear Going Crazy,

I can’t tell you how often I hear about this exact dynamic. It’s really an epidemic in our culture — good couple, bad bedroom. One of the reasons is that even though people have sought out couples counseling for years, it often hasn’t addressed their sexual concerns. This doesn’t mean couples counseling isn’t important, because it is. Learning how to communicate, how to respect one another, even how to disagree without hurting each other’s feelings — these are all important, even vital, things. Hopefully you learned them in your therapist’s office or Zoom room.

Unfortunately, the conversation that starts with “we need to go to counseling” doesn’t often end with “let’s make love,” because counseling doesn’t address the real issues facing couples in the bedroom.

That said, you now know how to communicate about day-to-day things with less conflict, and hopefully you were able to build trust and a sense of safety in your relationship. These are really important — so don’t be discouraged about the time you spent. It matters.

Desire is a separate system from the emotional safety that most couples counseling focuses on — and that’s OK. In my work, I think about desire as something like an electrical charge, which is very different from thinking about daily communication. Imagining desire as actual electricity can help us figure out what to do when there doesn’t seem to be any charge flowing between you two. When your personal battery is drained — like your phone battery — there’s no way you’re going to find the charge, let alone the spark you want.

You may be one of the thousands of people who’ve developed an unhealthy or even addictive connection to erotic material on their phone. If this is you, don’t be embarrassed.

Tip #1: Recharge. Are you both exhausted? If so, sex is going to be low on the list. You may want to want it, but sex requires energy, and your battery is at 3%. Get some sleep instead and see how you feel.

Tip #2: Mind “the gap.” Too much closeness decreases desire. You need space and separateness, just like real electrical circuits need polarity to create current. Your intimate life runs the same way. When you’re connected all the time — kids, pets, working from home — you don’t have enough separateness to want each other. Get some distance.

Tip #3: Don’t drain your battery. Where is your sexual charge going if it isn’t going into your relationship? You may be one of the thousands of people who’ve developed an unhealthy or even addictive connection to erotic material on their phone. If this is you, don’t be embarrassed — it’s incredibly common. But do stop the behavior. Porn sends all sorts of negative messages and creates unrealistic expectations about what real intimacy should look and feel like. You’re also learning ineffective sexual techniques from porn that’ll keep you from having satisfying experiences in real life. Watching porn regularly drains your battery for connected intimacy. Take a good look at your own patterns and make adjustments.

Get more rest, take a break from the stress in your daily life and let go of unhealthy viewing habits. These are just a few things you can do to improve your intimate connection. Try these suggestions and let me know how it goes. I live for this stuff.

You got this!
Xoxo
–Dr. Jane