This is the time of year where I start watching Christmas movies with a gleeful and reckless abandon… quality be damned. It doesn’t really matter if it’s good or not because ultimately most of those Hallmark movies (or the new Netflix breed) have the exact same structure and arc with only a few mild variations. The quality is relative to exactly what you’re looking to get out of the movies because you’re not getting a masterpiece, no matter what. If you’re shooting for something optimistic and filled with a specifically “American” sort of cheer that’s desperately trying to get the audience to feel a special sort of way, then look no further.
Usually a red-headed (or sometimes brunette) professional woman from the evil big city has to go to a small town for either: A) something involving money; B) it’s her hometown and she has unfinished business; or C) she has been cheated on (usually by a blonde guy) and wants to reinvent herself. She’s usually some variation of spoiled, rich and spoiled or just generally jaded from either heartbreak or money.
When she arrives to the small town (invariably named something like Hope Falls, Chester’s Landing or Sycamore Downs), she’s rude with everyone at first since she’s only planning on remaining for a short while to take care of specific and time-sensitive business. Even as she pines for her old life in the skyscrapers of NYC or the valleys of Los Angeles, she opens up to an old innkeeper/bartender/bookstore owner who then introduces her to a handsome local handy-man/carpenter/wood cutter.
He’s dark haired with multiple flannel shirts and only wears blue jeans, has perfectly manicured stubble and has either: A) never left Sycamore Landing; or B) went to the big city for some schoolin’ and then realized everything he ever needed was back home. He’s smarter than he looks in a hyper-masculine way, while also capable of a great depth of emotion.
At first, they annoy the hell out of each other because she’s rude and cynical, and he’s naive and simple. You know where this goes: They fall in love, she does something hurtful (usually a white lie of some kind), they fight, she feels bad and makes a grand gesture of some kind by: A) saving his bookstore; B) saving the whole town; or C) saving Christmas. The film ends with them kissing under the stars surrounded by lights as the town looks on, smiling and excited that the mean lady is now perfectly assimilated and one of them.
It’s a very basic and repetitive formula, but it manages to be the perfect thing to have on the television if you’re looking for something to remind you of how the holidays make some people feel, even if you’re struggling to find that feeling yourself. The films are also the perfect choice if you’re with family members and are desperate to avoid talking about politics. Recently, I watched two Hallmark-like romantic dramedies on Netflix that basically did exactly what I expected them to, but also managed to be entertainingly ridiculous and fun.
Obviously, the first one is “Hot Frosty,” which follows a young widow who falls in love with a shredded, hunky snowman come to life. That’s the plot. It’s campy, goofy and good natured, which I think might be all it was really trying to do. It’s not sexy because Hallmark and Hallmark-like movies are incapable of generating that level of sexual tension, but it’s cute and got me in the mood to watch more Christmas movies.
I followed that one up with “The Merry Gentlemen,” which I watched because it sounded like Hallmark trying to remake “Magic Mike” but Christmas-themed, and I’m there for it. This follows a Broadway dancer who comes back to her hometown of — let me check… yep, Sycamore Creek — where she steps up (see what I did there) to help save her parents’ struggling music venue, The Rhythm Room. Along with a local handyman and a few other shredded dudes, she starts a sexy, Christmas-themed dance show to titillate the local ladies and raise some cash for her mom and dad. It’s pretty adorable and, with Britt Robertson and Chad Michael Murray starring, it’s well-acted and genuinely charming.
I’m not saying Hallmark movies are good, and I’m definitely not saying the Netflix rip-offs of Hallmark movies are any better, but, just for a moment, I found myself feeling the Christmas spirit and looking forward to all the cheesiness the season brings. I’m not sure that the movies themselves really earn the emotions they raise, but maybe as long as you’re feeling it, where the cheesy warmth comes from doesn’t matter so much.
This article appears in The Source Weekly December 5, 2024.
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Love this review, Jared. Watched a couple of Hallmark choices recently and was surprised to see some diversity in the cast members in terms of skin color.