As someone who has spent a majority of their life writing, acting, rehearsing and basically doing anything and everything they can to make it into the motion picture industry, I can’t bring myself to be cynical about movies, even while knowing there’s lots of cynicism to spread around. While it’s easier now to make a movie than ever before (I can name at least two great movies made on iPhones), it’s still not necessarily a walk in the park to finish one. Every movie that gets made, from the worst of Neal Breen to the best of Francis Ford Coppola, every single finished film is a miracle…some larger than others.
But, this weekend almost broke me. I went to a triple feature that was stacked with such terrible movies that I felt the twinge of cynicism building behind my exhausted eyes. In fact, I was unable to completely sit through the third movie of my makeshift trilogy. In no way do I think we’re living in the nadir of the motion picture industry (that was probably the 1950s…and during COVID), but I do sometimes think of how amazing it would have been to live through the New Hollywood/American New Wave era of the late ’60s through the early ’80s, and how that would have informed my obsession with cinema.
Even though I don’t think this is the worst period of filmmaking in history, this weekend made me think about maybe, just maybe, not watching all the movies.
“Trap”
I started with “Trap,” the new film by M. Night Shyamalan and starring a recently returned-from-hiatus Josh Hartnett. Shyamalan is hit and miss (I wasn’t in love with his most recent “Knock at the Cabin,” but think he probably gets a lifetime pass for “The Sixth Sense” and “Unbreakable), but “Trap” is the worst of his since at least “The Last Airbender.” The concept of a serial killer and his tween daughter at a massive arena concert surrounded by cops is a solid one and should have been an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride.
Somehow, not only does Shyamalan not manage to summon a single second of tension in the entire film, but the characters all have ridiculous dialogue, the story becomes more and more ridiculous and the structure falls apart into a messy collage of tropes and cliche. Actually, the only thing that really works in “Trap” is Hartnett, who seems to be having a great time playing against type and using his deep well of charisma to make a creepy serial killer compelling. This movie is so bad it’s exhausting and a little depressing.
“Cuckoo”
I followed that up with a screening of “Cuckoo,” a new science fiction/thriller/mystery/absurdest comedy starring Hunter Schafer, who effortlessly carries every frame of the film even as the plot becomes sillier and, eventually, nonsensical. I was hyped for this one because of its great trailer and my love for Schafer and her co-star Dan Stevens. I found the first half of the film very compelling. Director Tilman Singer uses some visually hypnotizing formal tricks that pull you through the absurdest horror of the plot and imagery, but once you actually find out what’s going on and why everyone is acting strangely, it’s so ridiculous that the horror and terror inherent in the film up to that point then becomes campy and loses all sense of fear and tension. I found myself laughing at the film instead of with it, and that’s a shame. “Cuckoo” is absolute nonsense. It could have been so much more.
“Borderlands”
Then. Then I went to see “Borderlands.” It’s a movie that was plagued with so many behind-the-scenes issues that when reshoots started, director Eli Roth wasn’t invited back to actually direct them, instead replaced by “Deadpool” director Tim Miller. I’m not a huge fan of Rotten Tomatoes as a source for deciding on the quality of a movie, but the current score for “Borderlands” is 7% with an audience score of 50%, both of which seem a little high to me. This might actually be the worst video game movie of all time.
Cate Blanchett looks like she’s having fun, but Kevin Hart, Ariana Greenblatt and Jamie Lee Curtis all seem pretty embarrassed. The special effect don’t look finished or even fully rendered, the script is dire, the dialogue grating, the story without excitement. I made it 41 minutes into this and then had to bounce and drink away my sorrows. I know, I know, it’s incredibly unprofessional for me not to have finished a movie I’m reviewing. All I can say is that “Borderlands” took 41 minutes from me I could have spent doing something better — like crying myself to sleep or drinking various types of bleach and rating their differing levels of viscosity.
I don’t know what person these three movies are for, but that person isn’t me or anyone else I’ve ever met. I love movies, I’m still not cynical about the oversaturation of content in the modern era, but, my god, walking out of a movie before it’s over in search of a stiff drink hurt my heart a little. Let’s do better next week.
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