The Veronica Mars Hangover Cure

Surprise! I’m hung over again. Luckily, I have a surefire three-pronged cure that fixes my hangover every time: 1) Pork belly. And lots of it. 2) Rough sex. And lots of it. And 3) six hours splayed upon the couch in my underpants watching Veronica Mars reruns.

Naturally pounds of pork belly and rough sex can be procured at any grocery store. HOWEVER! If one is looking for old episodes of Veronica Mars, I suggest the SOAPnet channel, which features old-timey eps of All My Children, General Hospital, and daily doses of Veronica (M-F 5 & 6 pm, Sat 1-3 pm, Sun 10 am-noon).

Why is Veronica Mars the perfect hangover cure? Because it gently prods your brain back to life, while allowing your body to remain in an entirely paralytic state—except for your bowels which makes themselves known from time to time. Here are four other reasons why I love Veronica Mars:

1) She’s Veronica Mars! A cross between MTV’s Daria and BBC’s Sherlock, Veronica Mars may be a teen detective (played to perfection by Kristen Bell), but she’s no Nancy Drew. She’s got a sassy mouth, and while she may be intellectually three steps ahead of her suspects, she’s also given to fits of melancholy, narcissism, and jackassery. (In other words, me at 15.)

2) I wish her dad was my dad. No offense to my dad, but Veronica’s dad is far superior to my dad. A shamed ex-cop turned private detective, papa Keith Mars taught his daughter all the tricks of the detective trade—and even lets her work cases with him! My dad didn’t really teach me much—though occasionally he’d give me five dollars to get him a beer out of the fridge. That’s a pretty good deal!

3) Veronica’s high school is like real high school—no one is very nice. Jam-packed with rich kids awkwardly co-mingling with the poor, Neptune High is a breeding ground for burgeoning sociopaths. The jocks and the rich mercilessly/joylessly harass minorities and the weak—though no one is an angel. Class wars are waged on a daily basis, with crime and sometimes murder being the outcome. All the while Veronica straddles the middle, solving crimes for both while avoiding becoming another victim.

• Veronica Mars holds up over time! Though it only lasted for three seasons and 22 episodes (originally on the now deceased UPN, later on the CW), this 2004-2007 series still rings incredibly true—except when Laguna Beach/The Hills star Kristin Cavallari guest-starred as a criminal lesbian, whose portrayal was so unbelievably terrible, she actually transcended her terribleness, and became one of the series’ high notes. Then there’s Veronica’s boyfriends and BF wanna-bes (Duncan, Logan, Wallace, Weevil, Piz, and the ultra-sexy Deputy Leo played by New Girls’ Max Greenfield) who are just as dreamy and complicated as ever. And of course, there are the mysteries, which, even if you’ve seen them being solved before, are just as difficult to decipher—especially after a night of Jäger body shots.

So after your next particularly punishing night on the town, make sure you convalesce with a healthy dose of Veronica Mars. It’s like pork belly—for your mind!

Moment-to-moment hangover descriptions @WmSteveHumphrey

This article appears in Jul 5-11, 2012.