Dear Dr. Jane,
My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We've got two kids — boys 2 and 4. They're great but they're a handful. I'm an involved husband and father. I do daycare pick up and drop off, pack the snacks, walk the dog and scoop the litter box. I work full time and so does she. I love my wife and we get along, but her birthday is in early May — and then there's Mother's Day. To be honest, it's a lot. The pressure for me to get everything right is terrible. If I don't check all the boxes, she's extremely disappointed.
She feels like I don't love her if I don't make a good enough holiday effort. I really want to make her happy and I try to make her feel special by buying her flowers and planning something, but it's never enough. By the time the whole thing is over, I'm exhausted and feel like a failure. We're usually barely speaking because she's so disappointed. Of course, there's no intimacy — which totally sucks.
I've talked with my buddies and they're facing the same thing in their relationships. I have no idea what to do. Can you help?
From,
When Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy
Dear When Mama Ain't Happy,
I hear you! You and your wife are both in the middle of a challenging part of adult life. You've got two very young kids and all the stresses of family and work life. Here's what I recommend:
Tip #1 Don't become overwhelmed.
Sure, it can be stressful, but these are just holidays. Of course you want to please her, and that's great, but two days a year don't define you as a partner. Doing things every day for her and the kids is a powerful expression of your love. Make a plan to learn what she likes (and certainly do your best,) but remember that a little bit of love goes a long way when you include the Top Three Mom Desires.
Here they are — in no particular order:
A. Time to relax (because being a mom is tiring)
B. A clean house (because it's hard to relax surrounded by mess)
C. Tasty food (because food tastes so much better when someone else cooks)
Bonus points for a clean sink, thoughtful gift and a card that includes your loving words.
Tip #2 Let go of your expectation that she's going to love it
Of course, it'd be great if she's thrilled with everything you've done, and that she immediately promises Sexy Time after the kids go to bed. But remember you're not responsible for her happiness. Just do your best and remember that her happiness is her job — not yours.
As the two of you learn more and more about each other, you'll have more fun on these holidays. You're in the thick of it now with the little kids. I'm not going to lie — this is going to be tough for a while. Until things get easier, try to maintain a sense of humor. Also, many people have trauma about holidays from childhood experiences. For that kind of thing, she'll need professional help. Unfortunately, you can't solve past trauma with a box of nuts and chews.
Tip #3: Become a student of her desires
Be curious about her, watch her, learn everything you can about what gives her pleasure. Realize that studying her is an evolving process that you can enjoy for the rest of your marriage. In this process, you'll understand her more, please her more, love her more.
Keep track of this by creating a note in your phone or in an app where you collect ideas about things she might like. You can include her favorite flowers, music (create a playlist), type of candle and decor style. Figure out her favorite coffee drink. Know her favorite perfume or essential oils, know her sizes and her favorite colors for clothing. Make a list of links that includes house stuff or clothing that she might like you to order online. With this kind of intel, you'll be golden next year.
I hope this helps.
You got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach.
