Ain't No Party Like a Tea Party | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Ain't No Party Like a Tea Party

The author is wondering when all of the competitive bikers will stop being here.

The author is wondering when all of the competitive bikers will stop being here. Seriously, those shorts aren't flattering, few of you are really sponsored, and it's too hot to not just cruise, roll around town on a single gear, a fat seat and no risk of colon cancer, just chillin'.

Pi Party, Anyone?

Watch what you wish for: Crocs, feathered earrings, a third party... The Tea Party, started as a loose confederation of overtaxed smart people, concerned citizens and ignorant racists, has gone the way of Krispy Kremes - an ugliness we couldn't digest and would rather forget. Exhibit A: "Tea Party Federation" spokesman Mark Williams has been expelled and is "refusing all media requests" after writing an imagined letter from

"Colored People" (Williams is very white, like all Tea Partiers) to President Lincoln reading: "Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!" A fine way to court minorities into your hooded rally, err tent, right? NAACP President Ben Jealous praised the group for "self-policing" and encouraged them to "make it clear there is no space for bigots here, period." But Williams wasn't done, yet, defending himself by saying that Tea Party "couldn't be racist because it opposed government bailouts for Wall Street banks and big corporations." Huh? Oh right, the Confederacy didn't like big government under Lincoln either, and none of them were racist, merely owners of a very cheap labor force known as "Colored People."

Other signs that we need a fourth (maybe fifth or eighth political party, if the Green/Nader Party and Sarah Palin Winkers count):

"Commonplace" is how VP Joe Biden's people describe the $219,000 fine by the Federal Elections Commission for not returning over $1 million in "over-the-limit" contributions in "a timely manner" after his failed presidential run, which ended with his appointment as President Obama's embarrassment-in-chief.

Equally embarrassed are Republicans who attacked President Obama for vacationing in Maine, and not making Sasha and Malia collect tar balls in the Gulf, despite the fact that Bush spent nearly three years not in the White House. Then the GOP tried to explain how not extending unemployment benefits to millions will help the economy and instill family values. Standing strong at 9.7 percent nationwide, unemployment has become a hot election-year issue, with President Obama calling out Republican stonewallers (who say such benefits "discourage people from seeking work") bluntly, "That attitude reflects a lack of faith in the American people... They desperately want to work."

Further proof of our sorry state is a new poll showing that 53 percent of voters still blame Bush (and the GOP) for the recession, with only 26 percent blaming Obama. Another unofficial poll also showed that 94 percent of Americans like sandwiches, 48 percent find Justin Bieber creepy, while 7 percent think wrestling is real - coincidence? An opportunity in an election year? Let the slurring of sandwiches begin to elect Senator Randy the Macho Man Savage!

Don't Like It? Fine Me!

Tally this while spending that big, fat unemployment check from work-hating Democrats: In addition to $20 billion already promised to cleanup its big "Oops!" in the Gulf, BP may face fines for violating the Clean Water Act of up to $4,300 per barrel of oil released. Depending on whose numbers you use - BP says only six or so barrels have spewed while scientists say it's more like 4.2 million - the total fine may reach $18 billion. Thank God and underwater robots that the cap is installed and somewhat holding, despite symptoms that would ruin any relationship - "anomalous" Methane readings and random seepage.

Something Even Scarier

The thermosphere, our protection from harmful ultraviolet rays, has shrunk by 30 percent and is "the biggest contraction of the thermosphere in at least 43 years," according to John Emmert of the Naval Research lab. Carbon dioxide is one cause for the contraction, yet climate change nonbelievers immediately blamed cougars and the Tour de France for the steep drop. What can't be refuted is the fact that global sea surface temperatures are the fourth-warmest on record, Arctic ice at record lows and June was the fourth consecutive warmest month on record. Also, Australia is drier than a Baptist bar while the Midwest is wetter than a bikini at a BBQ.

Speaking of Sneaky Pussies

Oscar, a 13-year-old cat in Portswood, England, has been stealing underwear and other intimates from his neighbors so often that local police became involved. "He started bringing socks home a few months ago and then gardening gloves which we tracked to our neighbor," explained Oscar's owner, Peter Weismantel, "Then we had a situation in which he brought back young women's underwear."

Oscar was an orphan until he became a felon - committing at least 10 robberies each day - and now the Weismantels want to keep him, explaining, "We can't give him back now as he makes such an effort with all these gifts. He's got a lovely personality and is a very loving cat."

Other Felons

Wesley Snipes has been given the role of a lifetime, part buff vampire mutant from Blade part Nino Brown in New Jack City, as he serves the next three years in federal prison for not paying $15 million in income taxes. "The district court acted well within its considerable discretion in sentencing Snipes to thirty-six months in prison," said the panel of judges in the 11th Circuit Court while rejecting Wesley's appeal, which argued for probation by pointing to his college education, family and charitable activities. Meanwhile, the panel pointed to Demolition Man and Brooklyn's Finest as proof that he must repay society for such poor performances.

We Are The Champions!

If you happen to run into Source publisher Aaron Switzer, don't be afraid to thank him for helping bring glory to America where Landon Donovan couldn't. Switzer was part of the Ultimate Frisbee team that triumphed at nationals last year, earning a berth to the world competition in Prague recently. The team, dubbed perhaps aptly, Troubled Past, vanquished squads from Japan, Finland, Germany, Canada, France, before besting another U.S. based team in the finals earlier this month. It's true - they not only brought back the trophy but some real absinthe and several Russian brides.


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