I Luv TV

“Oh, boo-hoo-hoo,” I hear you cry. “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, I’m scared of the coming apocalypse, and therefore I’m a big tubby crybaby with a diaper full of bottom-squirts because I am such a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk!” YOU DISGUST ME. I am not the least bit scared of the coming apocalypse, for two reasons: 1) I have mad survival skillz, and 2) I’m not a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk-BAAAAAWWWK!
But if you’re not scared? Then you obviously haven’t seen the commercial for Revolution—the new NBC show from J.J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) that debuts this coming Monday (Sept 17, 10 pm). Revolution begins by depicting a modern, device-heavy world much like our own, when suddenly… KLUNK! Hey! Some stupid jerk shut off all the electricity in the entire world! And now? Nothing works.

If there’s one thing these Republican and Democratic conventions have taught me, it’s this: Feigned excitement always trumps the truth! Both parties have been crowing for their candidates like a team of cheerleaders hopped up on crystal meth—with little regard for facts, or the knowledge that most of us decided who we were voting for on November 5, 2008.
However! That being said, “enthusiasm” counts for a lot—especially in the sack. While I prefer the sexual wiles and experience of older lovers, it’s fun to occasionally to hop on the bone train with someone in their early 20s (who tend to treat coitus with the same aggressive enthusiasm as an Olympic gymnast working a pommel horse).

Guys! So here’s the deal (in regards to what’s on TV this week):
THURSDAY—The last day of the Republican National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!
SUNDAY—Breaking Bad’s mini-season finale. YAAAYYYYY!
TUESDAY—The first day of the Democratic National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!
And that’s it. WAIT! One more…
TUESDAY—That TLC reality show about conjoined twins. YAAAYYYYY! SNOOOOORRRRE! Ew.
And that’s it, for real. See, next week the new fall TV season starts in earnest, which will be super exciting, and you’re gonna have to hook up seven DVRs just to record it all. But this week is as barren as Jennifer Aniston’s baby-making bits. So if you ask me, this could be the perfect time for a… SELF-INDUCED COMA!

Greetings new Christian conservative readers! I welcome you to I Love Television™—the only TV column that believes in the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ while actively despising Hispanic illegal immigrants. [Confidential to regular readers: Not really! My bosses noticed that my approval ratings have dipped… coincidentally when this newspaper started running my column. So now I’m courting the “Christian conservatives” in a desperate, cynical attempt to boost my numbers and keep my job. Hey, it worked for Republicans, right? Shhhhh! Mums the word.]
Let’s talk about television… right after this quick word of prayer. “Oh sweet glorious Jesus! Thank you for smiting the world’s wicked-doers, which includes, but is not limited to: Hell-bound atheists, liquor enthusiasts, internet porn sites, rap music, President Obama, the previously mentioned Hispanic immigrants, and sexy gay people with six-pack abs and tight butts that look like two French bulldogs fighting in a sack. In Chik-fil-A we pray… Amen.”

I’m feeling a bit insecure right now. As regular readers of I Love Television™ know, I’ve made a career out of sexual and occasionally violent shenanigans. I’m not bragging, but if you can’t remember the last time you instigated a drug and alcohol-fueled orgy involving a stolen police van, 27 drag queens, a case of Hormel Chili, and the graduating class of a Catholic Girls School—then I guess I am bragging. That being said… I’VE BEEN ONE-UPPED!
Here I was smugly thinking to myself that I’m the most grotesque, morally contaminated deviant to ever sell kittens into slavery—and along comes a comedy series that’s so deranged, so violent, and so steeped in debauchery that even its own network is ashamed of it! Say hello to Bullet in the Face (debuting this Thursday, Aug 16 on IFC at 10 pm), which was originally intended to run over six consecutive weeks.

I haven’t researched this at all, but to my knowledge there are “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” whom the Bible claims are scheduled to appear just before the end of the world—and they are as follows:  HORSEMAN #1: Bloomin’ Onions at Outback Steakhouse. (OH! I forgot to mention these “horsemen” aren’t necessarily “men on horses”—they can be metaphors, too. In this case, a bloomin’ onion.) A bloomin’ onion is a large onion cut to resemble a flower and then battered and deep-fried. Obviously this is an unnatural evil abomination that deserves to reside on the Outback Steakhouse menu, and has done so since 1988. (OH! Forgot to mention these “horsemen” don’t have to arrive at once.) HORSEMAN #2: Siri.

Look, I have nothing against Shark Week. This annual weeklong tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep is as anticipated in the Humpy household as Christmas, Easter, and all those other made-up holidays. HOWEVER! The Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—the weenie dog. DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, far more dangerous, and here’s my three-pronged proof:
Proof One! Unless you’re that dick Aquaman, how much time do you spend in the ocean? 20 minutes a year tops? Comparatively, how many times a year do you pass a weenie dog? Maybe 125? Therefore your ankle’s chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than an attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but it’s nonetheless scientifically sound.)

UGGGHHNNNHH!!! It’s time for the Olympics again?? IT’S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS!! Groooooan, the Olympics are, like, the worst… thing… ever! And yes, I’m including: 1) George Zimmerman, 2) rancid cotton candy, 3) mysterious anal pains, 4) nose pimples, 5) visiting relatives, 6) empty pens that are returned to the pen cup, even though I’ve told that person a thousand times not to do so, 7) celery, 8) Holocostco—terrible name for a discount store, 9) weenie dogs, and 10) leukemia. Okay… fine… putting an empty pen back in the pen cup is worse than the Olympics. BUT I’M STANDING BEHIND THE REST!

Craigslist does not have a “ninja wanted” section. DID YOU KNOW THIS? Now, maybe they don’t have this problem in Japan—I don’t know, I haven’t checked Japan’s Craigslist, which I assume is called Takumislist or something—but my point is that thousands of ninja are currently unemployed because we, as a nation, aren’t putting these highly skilled laborers to work!
As most employers should know, ninja have a number of remarkable skill sets, such as a) wicked freaky martial arts moves, b) awesome weapons such as swords and grappling hooks and c) oh, just the power of “invisibility.” EVER HEARD OF IT? And if you’re an employer who can’t somehow make good use of these talents? Then maybe you should pass on the management of your business to someone who isn’t an IDIOT.

Jeff Daniels storms out of the glass-walled conference room for the fifth time in 25 minutes. Apparently, Nancy Grace can do that to a man. Take after take, her Southern-fried commentary on the Casey Anthony murder case has been blaring on multiple television monitors around the set of a TV newsroom, and her “Oh, God, will you look at that” attitude is more than Daniels’ character, Will McAvoy, can bear.
McAvoy is a veteran anchorman unraveling before our eyes on The Newsroom, Aaron Sorkin’s new HBO drama about the inner workings of a cable news channel. Imagine a Walter Cronkite type in our 24/7 schlock news cycle and you get the picture. McAvoy is mad as hell and he couldn’t care less what Grace, God or Twitter has to say about it.