I Luv TV

As a child, I fancied myself an amateur detective. In fact, the neighborhood kids referred to me as “Encyclopedia Humpy” for my deductive abilities, and encyclopedic knowledge of places where one could find cigarettes and porn. To this day I remain famous for solving the following mysteries: “The Case of the Crudely Drawn Penis.” “The Case of the Bully that's Actually Super Gay.” “The Case of 'Hey… What's that Monkey Doing?'” “The Case of Sylvia Masterson's Missing Hymen.” And of course, my most famous case, “The Hound of the Bastard Bills” (an absolutely cracking yarn featuring myself, bastard twins each named “Bill,” and their dog “Peanut” who loved eating other animals' vomit).

Ladies… you're lucky. Sure, you may be bashing your head on the glass ceiling at work, and getting paid pennies to a man's dollar – BUT! At least you have the Lifetime network. Billed as “Television for Women,” Lifetime features programming depicting women at their most heroic. For example, movies such as My Stepson, My Lover (ewww), Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story (AKA the Amy Fisher flick starring – SQUEEE! – Alyssa Milano), and She Woke Up Pregnant (last time she'll ever visit that dentist). As I said, you gals are lucky. Damn it, why can't men have a network that spotlights how we're victimized, while inspiring us to work up the courage to kill our spouses?

Did you know the Fox Network is turning a creaky 25-years-old this year? That's the age when most people realize they're no longer children and may very well end up lonely underemployed potheads living in their grandmother's garage. (Not you, of course.) (Yes, you.)
Anyway, Fox is celebrating it's anniversary this Sunday (April 22) starting with a rebroadcast of the 1987 premiere episode of Married… with Children at 7 pm, followed by a repeat of The Simpsons 500th episode, and THEN at 8 pm, the star-studded FOX's 25th Anniversary Special featuring classic clips from That '70s Show, In Living Color, and more! Note: Don't expect any mention of The Chevy Chase Show. (1993-1993, R.I.P.)

“Never again!” reader Thomas G. Mcree of Florida angrily writes.
Dear Wm. Steven Humphrey. Your article is one of the most offensive and vulgar articles I have ever read in a public publication that is out for anyone to pick up free. If you are on an airplane, as I have been, with a major problem, when normal people start praying for the Lord from disaster, are you still going to make fun of them? I think you will pray with the rest of the people. – Thomas G. Mcree
For those just arriving, Thomas' anger is ejaculating from my recent column entitled “Dear Jeff Foxworthy” which made merciless fun of the redneck comedian, his new bible quiz show, and… I was going to say “God,” but since he doesn't exist, it's kind of hard to make fun of him. But that certainly doesn't stop me from trying, does it?

As you can probably guess, I don't feel ashamed about much. I'm not even ashamed of the following: 1) That thing I did one time involving a goat. 2) The time I sort of stuck my something into someone's something else. 3) When I impersonated someone, stole their something, and did something extremely dirty with their toothbrush. 4) Put something into my mouth that I was explicitly warned not to put in there. (Okay fine, it was Funyuns).
Again, I have no shame regarding these things – but most of these tales do involve some sort of advanced illegality or could possibly get me killed… hence the lack of detail. HOWEVER. There is one thing I've never publicly admitted – because every time I've shared this information with friends or family members, they were simply AGHAST and begged me to never share it with another living soul.

If you're anything like me, you no longer have time in your busy life for any donkey plop. That's why I'm willing to share what is perhaps the most revolutionary timesaving device humanity has ever created. It's called… “Wikipedia.”
NOW BEFORE YOU GROAN AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING OLDER THAN MATLOCK, LISTEN UP, HALF-WIT. I fully realize Wikipedia has been around for years, and is used a billion times every day by everybody. But no one has ever realized the full potential of Wikipedia… until now. Until… ME.

My mom is the worst. Not in the way Rush Limbaugh or Hitler are the worst – but still… the worst. She's not the kind of mother that steals and smokes your meth, or uses your forearm as an ashtray. She's the kind of mom that murders you… with embarrassment. Example: When I was 16, I had a lustrous, full head of hair that would rival Fabio's. It was the kind of hair that, when sexily tossed in the vicinity of any female, acted as an automatic panty moistening agent. In fact, my hair inspired a three-year scientific study to develop an ANTI-panty moistening agent to lessen the nether-moisturizing effect of my brown, flowing locks. Ultimately all their work was for naught – because eventually strategic portions of my gorgeous hair fell out, making my forehead almost double in size, thereby turning my head into nature's own anti-panty dampener. Life is the worst.

News flash: Republicans are dumb. And not just dumb in the way people who still watch American Idol are dumb – Republicans are deeply, instinctively dumb.

What's up with you and this (heavy air quotations) “OSCARS” thing? I understand you need something to help pass the time, and masturbating for three straight hours might be a bit much – but the “OSCARS”? Seriously?
For those in a self-induced coma, the Academy Awards is this Sunday night (ABC, 8:30 pm, red carpet 7 pm), and you'll probably be attending an “Oscar Party” in which you'll eat cheese, swirl glasses of wine while laughing haughtily, and argue vociferously over why Demián Bichir deserves an award over Jean Dujardin. I'm obviously not invited to this party because I'd spend the entire evening shooting heroin underneath my toenails and sleeping/vomiting in the crab dip.

If you're currently doing something… stop doing it. I need to tell you something very important – and I need your full attention. Are you currently giving CPR to your mother? Stop doing that. What I have to say is that important. Are you just about to bang Mila Kunis and her previously unheard-of twin sister? Stop doing that. I need to tell you something important.
Okay, now that I have your attention, here's what I have to say: If you plan on doing ANYTHING this Sunday, don't do that. There is simply too many amazing things happening on television this Sunday to warrant doing anything else – and this includes, but is not limited to: Rescuing a kitten from a burning building. (Important… but not important enough.) Saying goodbye to your boyfriend who's going to study in Europe for a year. (There's no point… in his mind, he's already porking a cigarette-smoking, beret-wearing French girl who rides around on a bicycle carrying a baguette.) Eating any food, drinking any liquid, or inhaling oxygen or anything else into your lungs. (Only exceptions: pizza rolls, bourbon, nitrous oxide.