Upfront

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your sister's bedroom, swearing he's only there for the air conditioning, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Popularity Under 60%?…What's a Guy to do?
"If we're able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him." said South Carolina Republican Senator Jim DeMint. Obviously, Obama's push for national health care coverage is receiving ample pushback, but to summon Napoleon's last defeat, then immediately quote Rocky IV? National polls show that only 49% of Americans approve of Obama's handling of the health care initiative, and that his own stellar popularity is also suffering, dipping below 60% for the first time since taking office. Still Obama seems unfazed and focused: "This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses, and breaking America's economy." Dream for a moment of universal health care, folks. Of being able to go into any hospital and receiving treatment. Ahhhh - Feels good, doesn't it? Now imagine being a Senator (from any party, they're all bought and sold) and having millions in re-election bribes (err, donations) from HMOs and doctors and lawyers and big pharma disappearing – Rather unnerving, huh? See why both sides are scared and delaying?

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a crosswalk, telling select tourists to run into the street and others to join him for a float, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

1,000,000,000,000
A dubious record was set this week when America's federal deficit reached one trillion dollars. See above for how many zeroes that is-We're busted, folks. Talk of another stimulus package may be silenced as we await the invention of a bigger abacus, and more sucker lenders. Good news: Obama budgeters predict a $1.84 trillion deficit by the end of September, but that it will only be $1.24 trillion by 2010 - Whew! We were getting worried for a minute there! One last feel good note: Our total debt is $11.5 trillion - Over $38,000 per American.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Black Butte, urinating on ashes, trying to make a puddle that resembles Jacko, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Hell Is Getting Crowded
In yet another sign that Satan will have to expand Hades soon, Robert McNamara died on Monday at age 93. The "whiz kid" who JFK invited to destroy a generation of Americans, McNamara oversaw the Vietnam War for both JFK and LBJ, later writing in his autobiography that it was all a mistake. Thanks, Bob. Oh, it gets better - McNamara's resume is guaranteed to impress Beelzebub: Analyzing the efficiency of U.S. firebombing missions in World War II (for which McNamara received rank of Lieutenant Colonel); afterward he joined Ford (his sole qualification being that he read an article on the company in Life magazine - no lie) where he killed the Edsel, tried to terminate the Lincoln line, and championed the forgettable Ford Falcon sedan. As Secretary of Defense from 1961-1968, McNamara increased our "limited warfare" capabilities by drafting teenagers to defend a country they didn't know anything about, under the guise of preventing "the steady erosion of the Free World through limited wars." Seriously, if you want to both understand and be fully baffled by this man, rent "The Fog of War." Dick Cheney may attend McNamara's funeral; if not, no one will.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting while moonwalking, outside Bernie Madoff's sentencing, slinging Orange Glo while buying Farrah Fawcett posters, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

sleeps with angels.That Hair, Smile,
That Anal Cancer
I loved her. The speckled stains on my childhood bedroom ceiling are proof enough. Farrah, a name like a fast sportscar; Fawcett, the way she turned us on with the jerk of a knob. Her swimsuit poster - red, clingy, yummy – sold 12 million copies, more than even Dale Earnhardt. The pride of Corpus Christi, TX, Farrah came to our TVs with Charlie's Angels in 1976 as Jill Munroe, a seductress spying and karate-kicking each week for her unseen sugar daddy. No man could treat her right, though; The Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, who Farrah married from 1973-1982 couldn't hang, and then Ryan O'Neal, from 1982-1997, was revealed as the untalented piece of poop that he is. Gone at 62, she belongs to the ages. Take a look at the models today and know why she was different: Wasted on Letterman, convincingly playing an abused and vengeful wife in The Burning Bed, and offering herself to the cameras while suffering through anal cancer (not so sexy but, somehow, still arousing with her). She is why my right wrist is unusually strong.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from St. Charles Medical Center's ER, eagerly awaiting Obama's healthcare coverage, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Racism is Over, Yay!
being a judge is hard!In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court narrowed but did not overturn the Voting Rights Act. Enacted under LBJ's "Great Society" (AKA "JFK is dead and you can't prove I did it!") the Voting Rights Act forced counties, cities and school districts to prove why they should be allowed to "bail out" of the law-And, surprise surprise! A small Texas water district wanted to do just that, but called the process unfair and outdated. The Supreme Court has officially disagreed, but Chief Justice John Roberts (who is on the record as a young law clerk opposing the Voting Rights Act, Democrats voting, and women breathing) narrowed Section 5 of the Act in the decision, saying that any county or district must prove it has a "clean record" for a decade before "bailing out." Interesting language from our top court, indeed; sounds more like drug court. "Things have changed in the South," said Roberts. Have they? Been to a BBQ in Alabama lately, Chief Justice, or a GOP convention? For further consideration: The sole African-American Justice, Clarence Thomas, said he would have struck down Section 5 as unconstitutional. As a result, Awbrey Butte is now free to tar and feather panhandlers, and Crook County schools will hold a book burning at dusk.

Welcomes your feedback.The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Tehran, wondering why everyone is so upset, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Bush v. Gore v. Ahmadinejad
Phones down, Internet cut, BBC's Persia TV jammed; five miles of silent protestors on Monday, followed by shots from supporters and at least seven dead; someone must have drawn a picture of Mohammed - Or stole an election. Tens of thousands had come out on Sunday to support the incumbent president of Iran, Hahmoud Ahmadinejad, who claimed 62% of the vote, even though the counting of some 40 million ballots was officially ended early. According to reports, Ahmadinejad was declared the victor after only five million ballots were officially tallied, ending reformist Mir Hossein Moussavi's bid to unseat Satan. Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (the real President of Islamic Iran) has relented and ordered an investigation into whispers of fraud, which will result in subjugation of women, Moussavi's purely accidental death, and more calls for death to Israel.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a city whose residents believe they have far too many rights, bikers and its mayor especially, astrippers and tattoos secondary - Not Vegas but Portland – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

OLCC: No problems at all, except for this damn town hall meeting
The Oregon Liquor Control Commission may not have chosen the best format for its open gathering Monday afternoon with local liquor licensees, as what was billed as a "town hall" meeting quickly turned into a chance for community leaders, citizens and a sliver of Central Oregon's licensees to tee off on the OLCC and its regional manager.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the White Salmon River, removing computer-tracking chips from salmonids then attaching them to squirrels to baffle scientists, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
$30 billion for Failing
Here’s JohnnyIf you haven't heard, General Motors is now in bankruptcy, and received another $30 billion for the fine work. These additional dollars aren't even a loan, but raise the U.S.'s - Our - ownership stake in GM to 60%. Kudos! Go pick up your Hummer, Saturn or Pontiac today! GM has been creatively bankrupt for decades, and over a dozen plants have been identified for closure (adding over 20,000 in potential job losses), and 2,000+ dealerships have already been notified that GM is breaking up with them (including three in Central Oregon) = another 100,000+ un-employees. Ever optimistic, and citing Chrysler's rapid reinvention only a month into bankruptcy, President Obama offered, "Many experts said that a quick, surgical bankruptcy was impossible. They were wrong." We'll just have to take his (and GM's innumerable, inept managers') word on that one… In other news: Michigan will soon be sold to militias for training exercises, and ex-GM CEO Rick Wagoner was seen driving a Toyota Prius, smoking a Cuban cigar, looking for a tasty quiche.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the catwalk at the annual fashion show in La Pine, wearing a tube-top, cutoff jeans shorts and cowboy boots, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

And the Winner is…
Forget Simon, let's talk Sonia-Federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor, that is, who was nominated on Monday by President Obama to replace David Souter on the U.S. Supreme Court. If her controversial same-sex marriage decision in Rocky v. Bullwinkle and those pictures of her eating a pickle don't come to light, Judge Sotomayor will become the first Hispanic and third female U.S. Supreme Court justice. "An inspiring woman who I believe will make a great justice." lauded Obama while introducing Judge Sotomayor's nomination. A case surely to hit the new justice's desk will be the California Supreme Court's upholding of a voter-approved ban on same-sex unions, which allows existing same-sex marriages to remain legal (how's that for confusing?). As Sotomayor's nomination was announced, nearby, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales wiped away a tear, mumbled something incoherent, then returned to stocking shelves at Wal-Mart.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a closed car dealership, turning lemons into lemonade, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Muscle Cars Are Awesome
"Everything's possible when we're working together, and we're off to a great start," offered President Obama during a speech announcing new fuel economy standards on Tuesday (while also thanking the many auto execs and "outstanding elected leaders and appointees" in attendance). Kicking his environmental aims into overdrive, Obama is insisting on higher CAFÉ standards of 35.5 MPG (39 for cars and 30 for trucks) by 2016 – four years earlier than previously planned. This will cut national oil demand by eight billion gallons annually, slash greenhouse gases by one-third, and make GM look even more inept for creating Hummer while shuttering Saturn. Fear always helps in selling such policies, and Obama has framed the new standards as essential for national security, then dismissed the additional $600 per car by invoking idealism, saying that the program should pay for itself in three years. Ever hopeful, the plan is based on figures from 2016 (Obama does have time-traveling powers, if you don't know), when gas will cost $3.50 per gallon, cats and dogs will be lovers, and Exxon-Mobil has our best interests at heart.