Upfront

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting on hedge-funding the 'Green' movement, and stealing advertisers from the Boston Globe while on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Never speak ill of the deadThankfully,
Obama's Recession
Hasn't Hurt Bush
107 days and counting, it is amazing how Obama has utterly ruined our country - the economy sucks, the CIA tortures, exotic flus are spreading, Joe Biden can't shut-up… Gracefully, the president who handed our country over to this Socialism semi-Muslim is still doing swell; George W. Bush has already raised $100 million for his Presidential Library, planned to open on Southern Methodist University's campus in Dallas by 2013 when the shredding is completed. Pitched to donors as a place to "further the domestic and international goals of the Bush administration," the library will contain no books, pictures, or documents, but rather house a total of 911 American flags and the souls of all who worked in the White House from 2001-2008. Two notes: Bill Clinton didn't hit the $100 hallmark until well into his second year of fundraising for his own brothel, err, library in Arkansas, and Bush can thank the same friends who made his two terms so successful; Texas oilman Donald Evans chairs the library foundation – one of the seven total Americans who benefited from eight years of Bush, a president who left office with a favorability rating of 22%, and still believes that "history will vindicate" him.

Suck on this, swine!The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting far from you, civilization, and other swine, hoarding water and Ramen Noodles, hoping Brad Pitt arrives soon (with Angelina) so they may build the prettier, more humanitarian yet sexy society we all deserve, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Empty Soccer Stadiums, Facemasks, 12 Monkeys…
Pity the pigs, forever linked to the contagious flu that utterly destroyed mankind in late April 2009. Better yet, blame the Mexicans, who we've been scapegoating so well and so long for taking the jobs we suddenly want and ingesting our pollution. Our finest export since Agent Orange, Corporate Agra has really pulled a doozy this time (note: Monsanto did not approve this column) as the death toll is climbing into the hundreds (though 3,000 die each day from Malaria); Mexico City resembles the set of 28 Days Later, schools are closed till early May, and New York is now an incubator for the rage virus. Adding insult to injury, a major earthquake struck near Acapulco on Monday, then a look-alike of Air Force One buzzed New York Harbor (see below). On a conspiracy-related note: How convenient is it that an exotic and rapidly mutating virus is said to be spreading, just as GM announces it will close factories for over a month and kill Pontiac, Pakistan is about to fall to the Taliban (nukes included), the Jets draft another dud while my Bills took two solid Oregonians, and Ashton Kutcher keeps getting in the news for Twittering? Ask yourself, are these mere coincidences or divine intervention?

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a garbage dump, after cleaning up cigarette butts, patchouli packaging, and signage from recent "Earth Day" events statewide, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Waterboarded, How Many Times?
"If you look at what this really comprises, if you look at the documents that have been made public, it says 'top secret' at the top. The definition of top secret is information which, if revealed, would cause grave harm to U.S. security." offered former CIA top-snoop-chief Michael Hayden, when informed that the Obama Administration has released details of top secret (i.e. over-the-top) interrogation (= torture) techniques. Among the memos released was the disturbing acknowledgement that two top al Qaeda suspects were waterboarded at least 266 times. 266 - one was drowned (all in jest) for over 30 seconds at a time. Good thing Bush reassured us that "America does not torture." While releasing the memos, Obama staffers noted that those involved in the actual techniques should not be prosecuted yet deftly did not include immunity for those who drafted the techniques, like Hayden, John Yoo, and others in the Bush-Cheney junta all too eager to cite "security" and "terror" as reasons why BDSM at the CIA should go undisclosed.

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your rear window, hoping to hit Dismal Gulch by dawn, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Suddenly Proud
to Pay Taxes
Three pirates felled in high seas, three bullets fired at night; Navy sniper smiles. Vowing "to halt the rise of piracy," President Obama gave the command for a nighttime intervention early Sunday, when it appeared that Captain Richard Phillips' life had come into jeopardy. After four days and most of a night as hostage of Somalia pirates, Phillips was freed safely, with his wife Andrea offering, "You have no idea, but with Richard saved, you all just gave me the best Easter ever." Next up, a most Memorial Day for all Americans, when Obama unleashes pilot-less-heartless drones on their kin: Oil execs and futures traders - Gas prices have risen by 10% in the past two weeks, and Exxon Mobil's CEO made $23.9 million last year when, of course, there was no price-fixing whatsoever.

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from somewhere between Burns and Ashland, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Obama Spreads His Wings
The tour de force that is our new President visited Turkey, where locals made "Barack-clava" and a Syrian was arrested on suspicion of wanting to stab him. Then Air Force One had mechanical problems and was forced to land in a country decimated by war and corruption. Iraq, where Obama paced anxiously, biting his lower lip, as spokesmen explained that he was really there to "honor our troops." The reason for the whirlwind tour was an emergency meeting of world powers (AKA the "G-20" or "OK Corral") last Thursday in London, where sheiks, Asians and Aryans were all too eager to see a hip hop star in person. $1.1 trillion in financing for the International Monetary Fund was secured, though no one knows what the IMF does, and no agreement on any global stimulus plan was reached. Yep, another trillion and plenty of pictures, millions spent on travel, riot gear and detaining protestors… Obama called the meeting "the turning point in our pursuit of global economic recovery," adding that, "There are no guarantees." Nearby, the Rothchilds and Rockefellers met at a McDonalds and agreed over cheeseburgers that the economic downturn will last until, say, September.

Editor's note: Mike McMenaminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your uncle's backyard, hoping to fix the leak that his RV's roof has sprung, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

HOPIATE
This must be the disappointment diehard Republicans and Evangelicals felt after Bush seized power. Democrats allowed to live; "Faith-based Initiatives" as effective as, well, the Bush Administration; those pesky scientists allowed to squawk about fallacies like global warming and teen pregnancy, despite the duct-tape over their mouths and millions for abstinence programs. Yet extraordinary renditions and environmental massacre were still all the rage. How's your hope? Or, as my man Hank aptly termed, is Obama's "Hopium" still hittin'? Extraordinary renditions continue, Republicans are still alive and cranky as ever, and the morass we all thought would ebb with Obama is sucking like a college freshman at her first kegger. His first 100 days hardly half over, let us take a deep breath and consider the trillions now promised, the thousands of more troops being sent abroad, and that monkey on our backs that's itching for another fix. Hopiate, indeed…

Editor's note: Mike McMenanminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Cape Disappointment, WA, on assignment for or-bust.com and The Source Weekly.

$3,333.33 For Every American
Don't get running for your mailbox anytime soon. $3,333.33 for every single American (300,000,000 and counting) is what President Obama's economic team is "very confident" will at last stabilize banks (on top of the $1,457,000,000,000 already authorized for the Stimulus Bill and TARP funds). Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner requested the $1 trillion to remove "toxic assets" (bad mortgages, IOUs to bookies, that "friend" who still owes you $5 et al) from balance sheets. Love Canal redux, we haven't seen this level of cleanup since team-building pudding wrestling at the last AIG retreat.

So Very Stimulated

Missing robot. Reward offered if found.Hear that? The sweet sound of shovels clunking at frozen ground from sea to shining sea - Obama's $787 billion Stimulus Bill is in full effect! Only the murmur of the mob giggling in backrooms, divvying cement contracts and dead fishies, can overwhelm the anxious silence as billions of dollars flood our nation to rebuild roads, grids, bridges and bruised egos. Only South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford isn't content: The White House recently rejected his request to use up to $700 million to pay down his state's debt. Huh? You will remember that Sanford was one of the "unsmart" GOP loyalists to earlier refuse any stimulus dollars; in an annoying about-face, Sanford then asked for a waiver to pay retirement debt that plagues South Carolina like enslaved labor once did. Now Sanford is saying he (again) won't accept any stimulus dollars, which his constituents will surely appreciate - South Carolina has an unemployment rate of 10.4%, the second highest in the country.

"The Chinese used poles in an attempt to snag the Impeccable's towed acoustic array sonars," said Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman, reporting on the standoff between the USNS Impeccable and five Chinese military and fishing vessels on Sunday. The event ended with seamen on the USNS Impeccable turning their firehoses on the crews of the Chinese vessels, and the Chinese stripping down to their underwear. So… Other than needing a bath, what's irking China? Maybe it's the fact that the USNS Impeccable was 75 miles off the coast of the Island of Hainan, where the Chinese have a major submarine base (and the Impeccable has the latest generation of sub-hunting sonar). Oh, and the Chinese practically own America (our debt at least) and were probably using those poles to secure some collateral. One other note: China's newly announced 15% increase in military spending this year pegs its total budget at $124 billion – which is hardly one-sixth of America's last year (including Iraq and Afghanistan). Don't worry one bit: Take the entire world and total their spending on defense, and America still outspends everyone – combined. In fact, we spend so much money on sonar and guns and bombs and drones that we have obviously run out of names for our Navy ships; thus the "Impeccable."

Tapes? Oh, Those Tapes!
Hearkening back to the good old days
of Nixon, the Bush Administration is quickly learning that tapes cannot
simply disappear. What the CIA and Bush/Cheney Junta once declared as a
total of only two videotapes and one audiotape of interrogation (=
torture) sessions of suspected terrorists, new (court-ordered)
disclosures by the CIA put the number of recordings at much higher: At
least 92 tapes. Don't expect these to hit YouTube anytime soon; the CIA
destroyed all of these tapes, and any accounts of their contents may be
classified to protect the names of the CIA personnel that viewed them.
Interesting… This is like the time you found dad's porn collection and
called all your buddies - But you somehow can't get busted because you
and all your buddies are in a special club - Which always works,
especially when dad walks in and finds you and your buddies watching
his porn. Anyway, the ACLU sued to obtain information on torture and
any possible evidence, and an official said that this disclosure
"confirms that the CIA engaged in a systemic attempt to hide evidence
of their own illegal conduct." Meanwhile, a CIA spokesman (unnamed, of
course) said, "The CIA intends to produce all of the information
requested to the court and to produce as much information as possible
on the public record to the plaintiffs." Wow! I feel a whole lot
better, don't you? We can totally trust those clandestine boys and
their club now.