Upfront

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen, convincing attendees that everything's fine, no need to worry, and that President Obama isn't really president, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

No wonder our credit cards are about to be taken away. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) has declared himself a “one-man truth squad” while ambushing President Obama's trip to the Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen, mumbling repetitiously, “greatest hoax ever perpetrated… Every day something new comes out that debunks the science… ” This is the same fine elected representative from Oklahoma (born in Iowa) who cites the Bible during major policy decisions (Jesus is a lobbyist for the petroleum and coal industries, if you didn't know) and has coined the term “Climategate,” saying ever so respectfully at the Environment and Public Works Committee, “We won, you lost, now get a life.” One ray of hope locally is Madeline (Moey) Newbold, a Redmond high grad, studying at the University of Oregon who raised enough money to send herself to Copenhagen where she is blogging about the summit at http://www.moeyincph.blogspot.com/

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the White House, trying to explain to Secret Service how he crashed Malia and Sasha Obama's pajama party, wearing a violet tubetop and Hawaiian grass skirt, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Did anyone see a different ending to this? Maurice Clemmons was shot and killed in south Seattle early Tuesday, after walking into a coffee shop and shooting four cops dead on Sunday. Following several standoffs and cops arresting an undisclosed number of people who had “helped” Clemmons (which will surely help relations between locals and cops, and prevent a similar episode in the future), this is how most cop killings end – killed by cops. Yet Clemmons is a special kind of psycho: Reportedly, he forced his relatives to undress, to be “naked for at least five minutes on Sunday” and believed he was Jesus and could fly; in May, Clemmons punched a sheriff's deputy in the face.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a couch in New York in a tryptophan haze, hopeful of a long nap and no more food for at least a week, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

How's this for an apology? “There's also people who feel – and are right – that there's some meaningful things where we may have – not may have, certainly our industry is responsible for things. And we're a leader in our industry, and we participated in things that were clearly wrong, and we have reasons to regret and apologize for.” Gee, thanks! I feel better, don't you? Those were the words of Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, speaking at a New York forum for corporate board members this week. Blankfein made $73.2 million last year and recently said bankers are doing “God's work.” Good thing God wanted Goldman Sachs to take $12.9 billion in bailout funds only months ago (then report a nearly $3 billion profit) after selling $40 billion in risky bonds without telling investors it was also betting on a housing market collapse. Good upstanding Americans, capitalists and philanthropists: While apologizing for using us like a fluffer on a porn shoot, Blankfein announced a $500 million program for small business, which is 2.5 percent of the $20-plus billion in estimated bonuses Goldman Sachs will pay its felons/employees this year.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Great Wall Chinese Buffet, hoping to see Presidents Obama and Hu, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

President Obama is in China for a critical lovefest with President Hu, hoping our allowance doesn't get cut off. Touring the Forbidden City, where all of our debt is hidden from the eyes of the 1.35 billion Chinese who aren't eating all that well, nor concerned about hunting ghosts. In the hall of “Supreme Harmony” Obama then begged Hu for more money – err harmony – to underwrite our health care, multiple wars, bailouts, unemployment extensions, and a new initiative code-named “Year of the Rat.” Another sign of how out of touch Americans are (hey, it's football season and “Law & Order” is on next… ) a recent CNN poll showed 71% view China as “an economic threat” while 51% view it as a “military threat.” Ain't that sweet? Kind of like the roommate who is two months late with rent, hasn't paid a utility bill since moving in, but sits with his/her bong each day watching the cable TV you're paying for viewing you as an “economic threat.” Because, should you ask him/her to finally pay-up, his/her next bag of nugs and beer might not miraculously appear. FYI: China owns $763.5 billion of our $1.886 trillion total debt, which is about what we'll spend on our awesome military this year, should China say, “Hey, dude, about the rent… “

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from K Street, mourning the loss of lobbyists under Obama, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Congratulations to Nancy Pelosi, the embattled Speaker of the House, and many thanks to President Obama for putting his cred on the line to give us all health care – well, 96% of us (are you one of the lucky many?). The alternative: fines and possible imprisonment if we don't buy one of the industry profit-generating schemes – err, generous plans. 1,990 pages and costing $1.2 trillion, the House passed the legislation 220-215, with all but one Republican showing an utter lack of “compassionate conservatism” (oh Dubya, we weep tears of laughter and pain for you, and us) for over-taxed, under-served, ill and angry American voters.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Big Pink, letting his creative juices fester, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
A Year Later
Oprah was weeping, Michelle as elegant as Jackie-Ohhh, and Barack's hair not so gray. Now the ballroom is empty, balloons, confetti and used condoms on the floor, yet hot air still lingering. Where did the time go? This week we celebrate the anniversary of Obama's historic win over creepy McCain and psycho Palin. Let's look at the progress: Hate crimes now include sexual orientation, gender or gender identity (legislation aptly attached to a $680 defense spending bill, including another $130 billion for Afghanistan and Iraq); obviously we're remaining in the aforementioned foreign countries and now using drones to blast suspected terrorists in Pakistan and God knows where else; “Don't ask, don't tell” may be overturned; Cheney remains free and un-indicted; GITMO is still a BDSM icon and no one wants its occupants… Yep, a year after electing an über-liberal-socialist-muslim-non-caucasian, we've gone gay, remain violent and our 2nd Amendment rights still intact, yet utterly unemployed. Don't get pessimistic, though: The stock market is cranking, new GDP figures showed a leap in industry (mostly due to government spending); Ford posted a surprising $997 million profit; and New Orleans has been rebuilt – Its football team, at least.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a party, surrounded by murderers and ghosts, Palins and Obamas, wondering if it's already 2012 or only Halloween, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
SWINE!
In case you haven't heard, don't go looking for any H1N1 vaccines because they grow it in eggs. Yep, that's right, protection from the “swine flu” is created in chicken eggs – Our nightmares of mutant Wilbur-Henny-Pennys will soon be reality. This shouldn't be a headline, nor should any flu be declared a national emergency (surely another of Obama's Muslim-Socialist attempts to control our lives and take away our guns) with winter approaching. Relax, wash your hands often, and watch “28 Days Later.”

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from YouTube, where kicks in the groin, hoaxes, and crap artists are encouraged, yet criticism of YouTube and current healthcare – symbolized by water sports as our shared bondage – are flagged for “violating community guidelines,” on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Let's Get HI!
Why we elected Obama at last emerged when the administration informed US Attorney Generals to not prosecute stoners in states who really, really need weed for, um, cataracts and bad muscles, and, yah, I was driving down Greenwood and this bike was on the sidewalk and I was like “Whoa dude! You're riding a bike and I'm driving and that's so cool cuz we're both going in the same direction!” And then that song by Neil Young came on about the river and I was singing and then the cop said…

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a place called Narnia, where a lion rules, this evil witch is everywhere, yet Viggo Mortensen is nowhere to be found, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Liar Liar
Richard Strandlof has led quite a life: At the Pentagon on 9-11 when it was attacked, surviving again when a bomb went off in Iraq (four of his fellow Marines weren't so lucky), living with a metal plate in his head and starting a charity to help other injured vets. Except none of it happened; Strandlof now faces charges of “stolen valor” (akin to Cheney but Iraq-status-justice) – including up to a year in prison and $100,000 fine. On 9-11, he was actually in a San Jose, CA, homeless shelter, and never served in the military; still he formed the Colorado Veterans Alliance, and appeared with at least one politician hoping to benefit from Strandlof's heroism. “Hopefully the people that I hurt can in some way gain closure from that, and I myself don't know what I can do, short of leaving them alone and not being in their lives, to make that happen,” somewhat-apologized Strandlof. Didn't disgraced Samurais fall on their swords? Give this guy a dull butter knife, or 10 minutes in a locked room with real Marines.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Washington D.C., trying to filter politicians from panhandlers and lobbyists, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
It's 2:15am, Do You Know Where Your Health Care Is?
In a dumpster, with Max Baucus' ethics and his industry contributors/cronies, of course. When the Senate Finance Committee completed overturning any amendments to chairman Max Baucus' (D-Montana) health care “reform” last Friday (@ 2:15am – Wow! They worked hard!) any hopes of a public option ended. Or did they? This is politics at its prettiest: Inside sources (I am in D.C. after all) have backroom deals attaching a public option to a bill for new TARP Funds (you know, those highly effective bailout dollars to needy firms like Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase et al). Don't wait in the ER for coverage, yet, but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) is promising a public option in any final bill; meanwhile, ever-effective House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) has ruled out co-ops (basically a big lottery against any of us getting cancer or crashing our cars) in her bills. Who will win? Reid, the former boxer, or Pelosi, the daughter of a politician who deserved her job? One last thing that may interest hardcore party hawks: Amendments to add a public option were voted down by party-lines, putting GOP'ers on the record as opposing any chance at true reform. Add to this their opposition to Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor and you have Republicans as popular at the polls as a cold-sore at a kissing booth.