Upfront

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a holding pen in the Arizona desert, wearing an orange jumpsuit and learning Spanish, regretting that tanning session and tequila, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Et Tu Obama?
President Obama, speaking at the Cooper Union in NYC (where Abraham Lincoln's speech 150 years ago made him president – then totally tore our country apart as well) made his case for finance reform by saying, “I'm here because I believe this is not only in the best interests of the country, but the best interests of the financial industry.” Feeling a bit like Caesar, Obama was surrounded by those who created our economic meltdown and then rewarded with billions in bailouts, including Goldman Sachs chief Beelzebub, er, Lloyd Blankfein – hot off an SEC civil suit for fraud, rumors of insider trading, new quarterly profits of $3.3 billion, and a subpoena for special “Goldman Sachs Hearings” on Capitol Hill – and other donors to Obama's presidential campaign who now feel betrayed, much like day laborers in Arizona (see below).

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a rally against Earth Day, or immigration, maybe sunburns or whatever makes white people mad, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Fabulous Fab's Fool's Gold(man)
So you bought a “synthetic” financial product from a trusted Wall Street giant, betting the billions in the bundled mortgages you now own will do well, unaware that the seller is laughing out loud and also betting billions, but that you'll lose your shirt. Akin to snatching a lemon off a used car lot, there should be laws against such behavior (fraud), but not when the situation involves Goldman Sachs, who was “surprised” by the SEC filing a civil lawsuit last Friday. Sparking a sell-off of the firm's soaring/suspect stock and erasing over $12 billion of its market value, the bank/demon is defending its behavior by saying no laws existed to prevent it from short-selling (betting a stock will fall) its “synthetic CDO” financial product named Abacus in 2007.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an interstate rest area bathroom, making friends on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Officially Out of Ideas
As Obama continues his contemporary version of Sherman's March – passing health care reform, hosting the biggest summit on nuclear weapons since, well, ever (only our “special friend” Israel didn't RSVP), visiting more countries than any president in our history (all in one year), slashing and burning any fiscal responsibility, and soon to pick his 2nd Supreme Court Justice – the Republicans continue their retreat to the sea. So sorry is the state of the GOP that a gathering in New Orleans last week actually focused on whether they should adopt “No!” as their official party slogan. Parading a “diverse” bunch of potential presidential candidates, the Party of Lincoln (and fundraisers at S&M Bars) has no policies to point to, or any interest in developing any.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Augusta watching Tiger (really a craps game in Brooklyn) on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Get a Job!
For the first time in three years, the economy in March added (yes, added) 162,000 jobs. These numbers are deceptive though. The 9.7 percent unemployment rate is “unacceptably high” to Treasury Secretary Tim “Don't Quote Me” Geithner, with 150,000 new jobs required each month to merely cover new entries into the workforce. Even as the census hires tens of thousands to invade our homes and gather sexy data, 25 million Americans have given up trying to find work or are “under employed” (meaning they moved to a beautiful tourist town for “lifestyle”) thus sit outside the Westside Tavern all day, drinking PBR while waving at others passing by.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the rabbit hole, wondering if it was the pill or Easter egg, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Domestic Terrorists, in Richmond and Russia
Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) simply couldn't stand Democrats getting all of the attention for death threats and racial slurs after the passage of health care reform, so he first declared that his offices were shot at by gun-toting Liberals (later reported by Richmond police to be “random gunfire”) then decried Dems for announcing that they'd been threatened at all. But this wasn't enough for Cantor (who looks like that suck-up in-law you wish would stop talking) so he launched another PR bonanza about Mr. Norman Leboon of Philadelphia.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an ER, demanding universal care for a dangerous mind and ravaged liver after uploading Or Bust's 100th episode (all in under a year) on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
That Didn't Hurt At All, Did It?
Now that Obama has signed health care reform (kinda, sorta) into law, let's look at how costly (the health insurance biz spent $200 million lobbying against it) and bloody it was. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) was spat upon and called “N” (let's call it “Ninny” because the GOP and Tea Party enthusiasts aren't racist – according to themselves) yet Cleaver still declined to press charges when the racist honker was arrested by police; Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) was also called Ninny, with the Civil Rights veteran offering, “There's a lot of downright hate and anger and people are just being downright mean.” GOP and Tea Party racists soon proved homophobic too, verbally assaulting Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) as he floated up the capitol's steps, a bundle of sticks in his hand (a “faggot” by definition – which of course he was called).

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Dick Vitale's brain, finishing a bracket with Hoyas, Orangemen, Mountaineers and Cardinals in the Final Four (“All Big East BABY!”) on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Texas has Textbooks?
The Alamo didn't involve Mexicans, Ross Perot and Ralph Nader never existed, and the Civil Rights Movement created “unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes” among minorities, according to new textbooks from the Texas State Board of Education. In addition to exporting lousy presidents, Texas is also a major buyer of textbooks so most schools may be using these “edited” materials.
“I think the Left has a real problem seeing their own bias,” said Dr. (really a dentist) Don McLeroy, one of the conservative members dominating the board and demanding a full revision of history. Ronald Reagan not only overthrew the Soviet Union single-handedly, but also cured cancer while wrestling Bigfoot, and “free enterprise” (capitalism is suddenly a bad word among conservatives) makes everyone rich. Five members of the Board are minorities, all of whom will be deported once these books come out, with Mavis Knight of Dallas leading the lackluster opposition saying, “I cannot go back to my community and say I participated in perpetrating this fraud on the students.”

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from D.C., marrying his new pal Gary for a goof, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Kettle said “Say What?” to the Pot
“The reconciliation rules have never been used… ” repeated Orin Hatch (R-Utah) over and over on Meet the Press, proving the GOP is more redundant than Lil Wayne (who is now serving a one-year sabbatical at Rikers Island on gun charges) “The reconciliation rules have never… ” Really? Do any parents remember the S-CHIP bill that brought health care to uncovered children? That's just one evil example of legislation passed by Obama and Dems in that underhanded manner, via reconciliation… How about Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy, adding $1.7 trillion to our debt? Yep, holier than thou Republicans have used reconciliation for only good, right? Reconciliation is a ruse so Republicans can object to the process rather than a health care bill that has most of their wants included – too bad Dems (who called reconciliation “the nuclear option” under Bush) are wimps trying to help the sick and needy, while the GOP (which calls Obama a racist Mexican woman) cares only about fiscal responsibility and freedom, err, corporate donors and regaining power.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a failed Socialist state headed by an illegal alien (or maybe listening to too much AM radio) on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
The Crazies
There's something in the water. Or it's an election year… Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY – the state, not the sexy lubricant) is going out in style, retiring after two terms, and using an arcane Senate procedure to block a funding bill for extended jobless and health care benefits, infrastructure projects and other liberal Socialist programs. Immediately laying off 2,000 workers, cutting COBRA health coverage, and ensuring that 400,000 unemployed Americans starve, Bunning is doing so out of concern that the Dem majority hasn't shown a way to offset the $10 billion cost, offering, “I hope the American people understand my serious objections.” Of course, by the time you read this, Bunning's feat will be forgotten (much like when he pitched a perfect game in 1964 for the Phillies); much like Senator Richard Shelby's (R-AL) blanket blocking of Obama's 70-plus presidential appointments, all because he wants more earmarks for Alabama. One Republican wants to control spending and another wants more money, you gotta love the Grand Ole Party. What's next?

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the land created by Mr. Cheney, where myth and facts entwine – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Olympics, Ughh
Haven't our standards for Olympic “sport” sunken rather low (or gone too extreme for other countries to compete) and why do metrosexuals seem to be everywhere? Apolo Ohno is now “the most decorated” U.S. Winter Olympian (Eric Heiden, puhleeze… ) Shaun White is totally kickass and his “double McTwist”1260 was astonishing – but is it sport? Fellow snowboarder Scott Lago left the Olympics voluntarily with a bronze after sexy pics of him and a fan hit the porn-net; skier Bode Miller finally got gold and has the most alpine Olympic medals of any American skier in Vancouver­ – after taking the year off and considering quitting. Our hockey teams are on top, as are we; time for “amateurs” again, eh?