Upfront

The author is eating delicious geese, swept-up from Drake Park and gassed, just the way he likes it.
Definition: Kafkaesque
Independence Day is obviously over, as Pfc. Bradley E. Manning is facing criminal charges for “leaking” 2007 video of one of our Apache helicopters killing 12 civilians in Baghdad, including two journalists working for Reuters. WikiLeaks released the video in April, and the 1st Air Cavalry Brigade's investigation into the incident found the aircrew “accurately assessed that the criteria to find and terminate the threat to friendly forces were met in accordance with the law of armed conflict and rules of engagement.” Now some 22-year-old from Potomac, Maryland, will be the fall guy, not for mass murder, but for “allegedly” transferring classified data to his computer and adding unauthorized software to a classified computer. How dare someone in the military leak footage to the media of our military slaughtering our media?

EDITOR'S NOTE: After last week's column regarding kief suppositories and questions over President Obama firing General Stanley McChrystal, the Source Weekly was forced to fire Mick McMenaminuses. Kief suppositories may exist, but the demand sparked after Mick's mention overwhelmed international markets; meanwhile, questioning the President of the United States is simply unAmerican. We wish Mick well as he wages a legal defense of previous columns concerning aliens unearthing Gary Coleman's body and accusing members of the Tea Party of inbreeding.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gray, rainy place known as Portland where boys wear tight pants and girls very little, wondering why booze is so much cheaper here than in Bend, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and the Source Weekly.

The Bureau of Butt
A lawyer will head up the stoner coven of swinging inbreds formerly known as the Minerals Management Service, now the Bureau of Ocean Energy Management and Other Conflicts of Interest. Michael Bromwich is the sorry reformer selected, a former assistant U.S. attorney general (remember all of those public servants politically fired during Bush-Cheney by Karl Rove without a blink?) and Justice Department inspector general who decreed, “We will move quickly and responsibly on our reforms.” Inexplicably, Bromwich then added, “Turn on YouPorn! And where's my ho's and blow? Petty cash please!” How we jest but, really, this underscores how the Obama admin reforms, invents agencies, and wants to further distance itself from BP, the largest “energy supplier” to our military with six contracts worth $2.1 billion. BP reports spending that much on half-assed fixes and cleanup, including $104 million in claims to residents, and just announced it is suspending dividend payouts to shareholders through 2010. Industry-wide, up to 22,000 workers have been idled since the government temporarily banned new offshore drilling last month only to have U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman overturn the moratorium on Tuesday.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a breakfast table, eating Jimmy Dean and drinking Tea Party, watching grown men chase a ball around a field on TV, for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Kicking the Mule
As President Obama spends several days on camera in the Gulf and addresses the nation about BP's big mess, the behind-the-scenes maneuvering is of real import: BP has won permission to burn-off rather than collect oil, and pledged to triple the amount it stops spewing (so it can burn it) hoping to trap 2.2 million gallons daily. Daily! What started as a supposed drip (5,000 barrels) is really much bigger. So too is the pain BP shareholders are feeling, the stock losing $90 billion in value in two months and hitting a 14-year low, forcing new British Prime Minister David Cameron to ask Obama to back-off his tough stance. Last week, Obama said he wants to know “whose ass to kick” – then had a “warm and constructive” phone call with Cameron about their “special relationship,” despite the Anglo-European petroleum monster continuing to befoul North America. If you haven't forgotten, BP's Texas City refinery explosion in 2005 killed 15 and injured 170, with the company forced to pay millions and plead guilty to criminal charges, then two major spills in Alaska's Prudhoe Bay in 2006 dumped 200,000 gallons onto the North Slope, with even the oil-friendly Bush-Cheney junta filing civil suits against BP. Now Obama wants BP to create a $20 billion fund to cover its latest disaster, promising that the Gulf will be in “better shape than it was before.” Please wear those steel-toed boots you've been sporting on camera when you finally find “whose ass to kick” Mr. President.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an exploded bullet factory (however redundant) after escaping a burning RV, questioning karma and basic sanity for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
With a “B”
Our utility companies are really starting to feel like bad dates. We give them billions in tax breaks to plunder our Earth so they can sell our natural resources back to us, and then they totally cheat on us. Word has it that BP is considering dropping its PR façade “Beyond Petroleum” and is presently testing “Bitter Pill” or “Barack's Pals” (another attempt by BP at anything reminiscent of “green” should be treated with skepticism). Warning BP not to “nickel and dime” Gulf coast residents over damage claims (local fisherman report their $5,000 claims are being delayed or ignored), President Obama added, “My understanding is that BP has contracted for $50 million worth of TV advertising to manage their image during the course of this disaster. In addition, there are reports that BP will be paying $10.5 billion – that's billion with a “B” – in dividend payments this quarter.”

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an urban verb along a French river flowing opposite of expectation, for Or-Bust.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a Greyhound (bus, not track) mourning Harrietta Ambages for reasons as tragic as they are triumphant, leaving Louisiana and somewhere between Dallas and Denver, reporting for Or-Bust.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Appalachian Trail, lacking wifi but well-rested to witness New Orleans' and BP's big “Oops!” on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Buffalo Cougars Hunting Obama
During a visit to economically depressed Buffalo last week, President Obama was assaulted by 45 year-old local Luann Haley who called our Commander in Chief “a hottie with a smokin' little body.” Unfazed, Obama ordered a dozen wings from Duffs (Or Bust, with many Buffalo connections, praises the president for choosing Duffs over the original, yet lackluster, wing creator, Anchor Bar) then told Buffalonians that even he has no solutions for the crap weather there, or decades of Rust Belt poverty, insufferable yet ever-reelected politicians, and sports franchises that come close, but are forever bridesmaids.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gas station, thanking BP and Fords with 460 horses, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Enter Elena
“Government is itself an art, one of the subtlest of arts,” she was quoted in a 1977 yearbook, unaware that her other note, “Brad is super cute!” will soon be used against her as well. Elena Kagan has been nominated by President Obama to succeed Justice Stevens on the Supreme Court, and the 50 year-old “acclaimed Constitutional scholar” nicknamed “Shorty” by legendary Justice Thurgood Marshall won't see much subtlety as Republicans sharpen their spears to attack the same person they confirmed as Solicitor General 61-31 last year (for more toxic environments, see below).

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a quaint place called “Canada.” Seriously, there's another country up north full of good beer and money called “Looney's” (I'm not making this up) with millions of people coexisting rather amicably, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
You Can't Go Home Again
The most poorly planned terrorism plot since that Nigerian's underwear was hatched in Times Square this weekend, with naturalized American citizen Faisal Shahzad arrested late Monday at JFK trying to flee to his home country of Pakistan. The inbred Pakistani Taliban are taking responsibility for the plot but no one knows why. With non-explosive fertilizer, ten gallons of gas, propane tanks and a few firecrackers in an old Nissan Pathfinder, Faisal forgot that Times Square is full of cameras and NYC doesn't care much for terrorists. As inept as a southern governor (see “Crist Comes Out”), Faisal makes Goldman Sachs look innocent.