Upfront

Freedom!
The United Organization of Angry Rural Old People, also known as the “Tea Party,” gathered in Redmond last weekend for something called the American Freedom Festival. The event featured music from the ironically named band One Hot Mess and “patriotic speeches” about how America as a whole needs to hop in the DeLorean with Doc Brown and head back to the founding of our great nation when everything was perfect because, you know, people followed the Constitution… and had wooden teeth and slaves. The event drew what appeared to be about 100 people, or using the Glenn Beck Scale of Crowd Estimation, roughly 28,000 people.

You Can't Toke That Here
Oregon's growing legions of medical marijuana users (numbering 36,380 souls as of July 1) are no doubt accustomed to having their right to legally toke challenged by employers and society – not to mention the federal government. But Oregon Medical Marijuana Program (OMMP) patients all of whom have been prescribed the drug by physicians should be on alert to steer clear of the Jackson County jail where Sheriff Mike Winters has taken a hard line on inmates blazing up behind bars.

Those Drugs Ain't Mine, I'm Famous
Oh, Paris Hilton. What's funny is that we really hadn't heard much about the heiress until recently, but she must have thought it necessary to get back into relevancy with her latest round of arrests and controversy. Just days after a man holding “two big knives” tried to break into her Los Angeles home, Hilton was arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession in Las Vegas.

Nude 32, Nude 32… Hut, Hut, Hike
There's bad news for Oregon sports this week, and some of it comes from the “What are Those Dang College Football Players Going to do Next?” file. While the Ducks have been steadily embarrassing the state for the better part of the year, the Beavers just got into the action thanks to offensive lineman Tyler Thomas, who Corvallis police say they found drunker than Mel Gibson in a stranger's home… naked. But it gets better! When the cops told Thomas to get on the ground, they say he – still naked – got down into a three-point stance and lunged at them. So, of course, they had to fire a stun gun at the redshirt freshman, who, of course, has a mullet and, of course, has since been kicked off the team. So, even when in a stranger's home, horrifically intoxicated and not wearing a stitch of clothing, a football player will, at the very least, remember how to get down in his stance. Something tells us this is going to be an exciting season. (MB)

The author is enjoying the majesty of Tumalo Creek and its fabulous waterfalls, reading about the $71 million water/hydro/death-laser project being “proposed” by the city.
Our Christian NationRemember when you went to Pearl Harbor and saw the shrine honoring the Kamikaze pilots of Japan who destroyed our entire fleet in World War II? Me neither.

The author is listening to Al Green far too much, mourning a lost love, watching a guy with a zoom lens sitting outside of 900 Wall take pictures of young girls at Hot Box Betty, wondering if he's an uncle or a character from “Dexter.”
So You Say It's Your Birthday
Happy 49th to the 44th president, as Obama celebrated the weekend with BBQ and b-ball, joined by Magic Johnson and Lebron James, sans his wife Michelle and daughters Sasha and Malia (who were busy writing foreign policy in Spain). Of course, this birthday was all a ruse because Obama was never actually born, according to “birthers” who continue to confuse only themselves. In related news, Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, a decorated Army doctor and 18-year veteran, faced a military judge on charges of disobeying a lawful order, missing movement, and dereliction of duty for refusing to deploy to Afghanistan. Lakin believes that contrary to Bush-Cheney's ignorance of Afghanistan while invading Iraq, our current Commander in Chief's orders are illegitimate (according to Lakin and other “birthers”) because he wasn't really born in Hawaii, despite at least two newspapers announcing his birth 49 years ago and Republican governor Linda Lingle certifying Obama's birth certificate (yep, one exists). But that isn't good enough for those who would rather have a fossil formerly known as John McCain and the GOP's language challenged pitbull, Sarah Palin, in the White House.

The author is smelling smoke yet too dazed to know if it's from a fire in Sisters or his new piece of art/glass/pipe, watching the greatest political video ever made @ http//www..youtube.com/watch?v=1hvaeHllwtw (thanks Carrot). Give a view and see why our country is both beautiful and in deep doo-doo. Enjoy!

The author is honoring the wishes of an honest reader who expressed concerns about “facts” and “pompous writing” by offering only accurate and unfunny stuff this week. Sorry to those who like jokes about South Carolina and underwear-stealing cats, we do need to set a higher standard for news- – much like the need for skimpier bikinis afloat on the Deschutes.

The author is wondering when all of the competitive bikers will stop being here. Seriously, those shorts aren't flattering, few of you are really sponsored, and it's too hot to not just cruise, roll around town on a single gear, a fat seat and no risk of colon cancer, just chillin'.

The author is investigating nearly 30 percent unemployment among American students (3xs the national unemployment rate yet hardly half of Bend's) by sitting along Drake Park and donning mirrored sunglasses, not perving on the bikini-clad floaters mind you, but investigating.
Ponder This At The Pump
“I couldn't be prouder of the team that put on the sealing cap. That really went extremely well,” lauded BP Senior Vice President Kent Wells upon attaching a cap that “could seal” the leaking well that has spewed over 4,000,000 barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since BP's Deepwater Horizon platform exploded on April 20th. Tar-balls are now being found in the fragile Lake Pontchartrain ecosystem yet no one from BP has been arrested. Congrats! Even better news: BP predicts (if the well is capped, which we've heard before) that up to 3.36 million barrels could be collected over the next three weeks. Huh? Wait! Wasn't that well spewing “only 20,000” barrels a day (versus the original ruse of “only 5,000” – – which scientists now estimate at really 35,000-60,000 per day)? For the sake of humanity, the environment and the huge legal battle to come, get your numbers straight.