Upfront

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the land of monsters and mythology, chillin' with Goliath and Paul Bunyan – “On Giants: or, Why We Want To Be small” – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
“The Majority of Americans”
Playing politics with terrorism is an art form among Republicans, with Rudy Giuliani recently saying there were, “No domestic attacks under Bush,” but already one under Obama. Huh? Wasn't Rudy in NYC on that day – Surely we saw him in every 9-11 photo-op playing the mayor. Toying with reality is the new playground, “The majority of Americans… ” is the catchphrase spewing from GOP lips like “I'm mad about blah blah, I have a boo-boo and want my ba-ba… ,” at a Tea Party convention. Despite being swept from office, the GOP's denial is resolute, “There was no debate… No bipartisanship… ” is their excuse/accusation of why they do nothing, and won't be held responsible for the two wars Obama inherited and is now trying to win (see below), as well as this minor mess dubbed our Great Recession. Of course Dems are wimps and falling into the same old traps: Still unsure of where to hold the trial of 9-11 terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (FYI: Dick Cheney has yet to be charged,) and overly eager to allay fears, VP Joe Biden is “guaranteeing” a conviction, making a mockery of himself (as usual) and our legal system at the same time. Meanwhile, a new Washington Post-ABC poll found that two-thirds of all Americans are “unhappy” or “angry” at how the federal government is working (the only clear “majority” these days – one which neither party wants to claim) with those polled saying that “53 cents of every dollar” sent to Washington is “wasted.”

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Sarah Palin's palm, offering talking points and apologies to Todd for last night, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
“Cause for Hope but not Celebration”
New unemployment numbers for January came in surprisingly strong (in a good way) with the jobless rate falling to 9.7 percent – a stat not seen since last August when we were all eating caviar and drinking champagne. Manufacturing added jobs for the first time in three years and companies “only” shed 20,000 jobs. “The recession is over,” declared former Fed Alan Greenspan on Meet the Press, adding with his usual precision and lack of enthusiasm, “It's going to be a slow, trudging thing… We don't know where the jobs are coming from, but we know the process is underway.”

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Super Bowl (really his couch, a bottle and bookie only a reach away), hating the guy who loves the commercials – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Busted Piggy Banks
President Obama is doing more damage control than Toyota. Gas pedals sticking to the floor and sending cars out of control at high speed (stop, think, put the car in neutral, people) is much like government spending. The new $3.6-trillion budget is akin to a panhandler trying to sell a Hummer (err, let's say Porsche) and will increase our deficit by $1.6 trillion over ten years, a reality that the White House defended by pointing out that Obama inherited a $1.3 trillion deficit from Bush. Does any of this make sense? Of course not. We're dealing with D.C. here, where our money and morals are mere talking points. The budget does include cuts: Bush's attempt to explore the moon (so much cheese still undiscovered), border security (shhh, don't tell Mexico), and a bunch of programs that fix the environment and actually help people but are no longer compelling sound-bites on television and YouTube.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from President Obama's State of the Union Address, offering hope in the form of hankies to Democrats – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
This Isn't Fake News
Governor Ted Kulongoski didn't bother to show up as Facebook announced last Thursday that it will build its latest data center in Prineville. Seriously, we aren't making this up: The 124-acre site (which Facebook reportedly settled on because of local climate conditions and generous tax breaks from Prineville and the state of Oregon) will soon harvest and house all of our data for resale to compassionate corporations (err, “all Americans” – see below story), and cost an estimated $188 million, with company site spokesman Tom Furlong saying, “We are very excited to be able to put it in Prineville.” Again, this is actually happening – in Prineville! Creating 200 jobs during its year-long construction and employing 35 full-time workers and “dozens more part-time and contract employees” (quoting the press release) afterward, the data center will surely confuse local cowboys and livestock rustlers, yet diversify Prineville's exports/imports from manufacturing then recycling rubber tires. Until Facebook is replaced by another impossibly unprofitable Internet company, and then the data center will be abandoned, much like Bend's big plans for similar business booms, like Juniper Ridge (remember that mess?), La Pine's efforts to corner the Meth market, and Redmond's claim as having the most used car lots on a single road.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from PodioBooks.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from “Avatar” – a futuristic and fabulous world with no plot and subpar acting but, hey, it looks great – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Whachusay?
Cracker Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, said that mayonnaise-loving Americans were ready for someone “light-skinned” speaking to them with “no Negro dialect” during the Presidential race in 2008. Retroactively reported by fellow SPF 95-users Mark Halperin and John Heilemann in their book “Game Change” this non-news is being touted by minority-loving Republicans (with African-American GOP Chairman Michael Steele the face of the attack, of course) to make Reid step down and Obama to at last admit he was kidnapped while doing community service work in Chicago and brainwashed by China – A Manchurian Candidate who won not because George W. Bush was an awful president and challengers John “I'm Not Creepy” McCain/Sarah “Huh?” Palin sub-par, but rather, because he's an eloquent, intelligent, and inspirational light-skinned black man.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from IM, reading his lover's lustful messages to another man, wondering whether to burn her belongings or start Twittering the text, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Which is More Dangerous?
The hypocrisy presently on display rivals an IRS agent at a Tea Party; take a good look at our elected “leaders” still scrambling to score political points on the failed Christmas Day Detroit bombing. Nigerian/Yemeni underwear are indeed dangerous and, apparently, a blessing for GOP fear-mongers. Blasting “weak-kneed Liberals” and citing a plethora of security and intelligence failures, Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich) sent out a fundraising email for his gubernatorial campaign, conveniently ignoring that he's a ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee. Jim DeMint (R-SC) may be the biggest jackass, though, as he blamed Obama and unions for the bombing attempt, conveniently ignoring that he put a procedural hold on any possible approval of Obama's nominee to head the TSA and voted against funding the TSA in early 2009. How did Omar Abdulmutallab get past airline security in Nigeria and Europe?

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a TSA screening checkpoint, proudly standing naked and asking for that puffing device again, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

So your dad walks into the American embassy and narcs on you, saying you've fallen in with a bunch of n'er do wells and acting kind of extreme – What do you do? If you're Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (already refused a visa into Britain for inventing a college he was going to attend) you strap on your special underwear with 80 grams of the explosive substance PETN sown into the crotch (you know he was determined, ouch!) then catch a Northwest flight to Detroit. Not to mock TSA screeners but this beloved reporter has a dog named Stu who is a registered service dog (“Important for emotional stability” reads the letter from my shrink) so I see the holes in the system; still the debate rages which database Umar was on – the one with 18,000 or 500,000 names of a-holes who shouldn't be flying, especially Nigerians with Al Qaeda connections in Yemen. Speaking of a-holes, Republican Peter King used a football analogy for the near catastrophic Christmas day bombing attempt of flight 253, saying, “He [Umar] got right to the 1-yard line.” As Republicans personally blame Obama for all Muslims trying to bomb us (in addition to the economy, “As the World Turns” being cancelled, and why Miley Cyrus can't pose nude, yet) evidence is emerging that this single event may not be so singular, and a payback of sorts. In addition to waging war throughout the Middle East, we're also targeting “extreme” Yemenis, online scammers in Nigeria, turd farmers in Sudan, and Juan Valdez, the Columbian coffee picker, because his beans aren't offering the white-hot-rush that other Columbian exports offer on New Year's Eve.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your doorstep, caroling and reeking of eggnog, still dazed after finishing Season 2 of Or Bust, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Tummy Tucks for Everyone!
Happy holidays to the health care industry came in the form of a crucial Senate 60-40 test vote at 1am Sunday morning – A promised GOP filibuster can be easily ignored and any real change unlikely as trillions will now be spent on sex changes, Brazilian waxes, tree hugging, global warming myths and other things that Liberals love. No competing government option is included (thanks to Al Gore's also-ran VP pal Joe Lieberman (DEM/IND/GOP/ASS – CT) and women's choices are severely limited; Dems didn't need GOP votes but caved-in to their every taboo in the pending legislation. Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said the lack of debate on the bill amounts to “flipping a bird to the American people.” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called Steele's comments offensive, then laughed and went in a back room, a plume of cigar smoke escaping, to count fresh donations to the Democratic Party from the insurance, pharmaceutical, HMO, organ harvesting, Afghan opium farming and porn industries.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a nearby Christmas display, protecting baby Jesus from fascist secularists, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

What a week it has been for sound bites and babble! President Obama baffled all of us, the stress of the job obviously affecting his eloquence, while announcing 30,000 more troops for a war we have no intention of winning, “Even as we dig our way out of this deep hole… ” Is he asking for a ladder or merely interested in digging deeper? Then, while accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, he said, “I do not bring with me today a definitive solution to the problems of war.” Um, ok… Peace bro! “I didn't run for President to bail out a bunch of fatcats.” he added on 60 Minutes, pointing to how distressed Goldman Sachs employees are this holiday season, with only $22 billion in bonuses, closing with, “There shouldn't be anything confusing about that.”
Armed with facts and a nervous tick, Dr. Christina Romer, Chair of the President's Council of Economic Advisers, then invoked FDR on Meet The Press, saying the newly passed financial regulations are “Rules of the Road” that won't hurt business at all, “Of course we want them to return to profitably, and we want them to return to lending… ” Cool! I need a new Discover card and house I can't afford.