Editorial

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your rear window, hoping to hit Dismal Gulch by dawn, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Suddenly Proud
to Pay Taxes
Three pirates felled in high seas, three bullets fired at night; Navy sniper smiles. Vowing "to halt the rise of piracy," President Obama gave the command for a nighttime intervention early Sunday, when it appeared that Captain Richard Phillips' life had come into jeopardy. After four days and most of a night as hostage of Somalia pirates, Phillips was freed safely, with his wife Andrea offering, "You have no idea, but with Richard saved, you all just gave me the best Easter ever." Next up, a most Memorial Day for all Americans, when Obama unleashes pilot-less-heartless drones on their kin: Oil execs and futures traders - Gas prices have risen by 10% in the past two weeks, and Exxon Mobil's CEO made $23.9 million last year when, of course, there was no price-fixing whatsoever.

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from somewhere between Burns and Ashland, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Obama Spreads His Wings
The tour de force that is our new President visited Turkey, where locals made "Barack-clava" and a Syrian was arrested on suspicion of wanting to stab him. Then Air Force One had mechanical problems and was forced to land in a country decimated by war and corruption. Iraq, where Obama paced anxiously, biting his lower lip, as spokesmen explained that he was really there to "honor our troops." The reason for the whirlwind tour was an emergency meeting of world powers (AKA the "G-20" or "OK Corral") last Thursday in London, where sheiks, Asians and Aryans were all too eager to see a hip hop star in person. $1.1 trillion in financing for the International Monetary Fund was secured, though no one knows what the IMF does, and no agreement on any global stimulus plan was reached. Yep, another trillion and plenty of pictures, millions spent on travel, riot gear and detaining protestors… Obama called the meeting "the turning point in our pursuit of global economic recovery," adding that, "There are no guarantees." Nearby, the Rothchilds and Rockefellers met at a McDonalds and agreed over cheeseburgers that the economic downturn will last until, say, September.

Editor's note: Mike McMenaminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your uncle's backyard, hoping to fix the leak that his RV's roof has sprung, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

HOPIATE
This must be the disappointment diehard Republicans and Evangelicals felt after Bush seized power. Democrats allowed to live; "Faith-based Initiatives" as effective as, well, the Bush Administration; those pesky scientists allowed to squawk about fallacies like global warming and teen pregnancy, despite the duct-tape over their mouths and millions for abstinence programs. Yet extraordinary renditions and environmental massacre were still all the rage. How's your hope? Or, as my man Hank aptly termed, is Obama's "Hopium" still hittin'? Extraordinary renditions continue, Republicans are still alive and cranky as ever, and the morass we all thought would ebb with Obama is sucking like a college freshman at her first kegger. His first 100 days hardly half over, let us take a deep breath and consider the trillions now promised, the thousands of more troops being sent abroad, and that monkey on our backs that's itching for another fix. Hopiate, indeed…

Editor's note: Mike McMenanminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Cape Disappointment, WA, on assignment for or-bust.com and The Source Weekly.

$3,333.33 For Every American
Don't get running for your mailbox anytime soon. $3,333.33 for every single American (300,000,000 and counting) is what President Obama's economic team is "very confident" will at last stabilize banks (on top of the $1,457,000,000,000 already authorized for the Stimulus Bill and TARP funds). Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner requested the $1 trillion to remove "toxic assets" (bad mortgages, IOUs to bookies, that "friend" who still owes you $5 et al) from balance sheets. Love Canal redux, we haven't seen this level of cleanup since team-building pudding wrestling at the last AIG retreat.

So Very Stimulated

Missing robot. Reward offered if found.Hear that? The sweet sound of shovels clunking at frozen ground from sea to shining sea - Obama's $787 billion Stimulus Bill is in full effect! Only the murmur of the mob giggling in backrooms, divvying cement contracts and dead fishies, can overwhelm the anxious silence as billions of dollars flood our nation to rebuild roads, grids, bridges and bruised egos. Only South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford isn't content: The White House recently rejected his request to use up to $700 million to pay down his state's debt. Huh? You will remember that Sanford was one of the "unsmart" GOP loyalists to earlier refuse any stimulus dollars; in an annoying about-face, Sanford then asked for a waiver to pay retirement debt that plagues South Carolina like enslaved labor once did. Now Sanford is saying he (again) won't accept any stimulus dollars, which his constituents will surely appreciate - South Carolina has an unemployment rate of 10.4%, the second highest in the country.