Pen Pals Behind Bars

Have I mentioned I have a lot of readers in prison? It makes sense if you think about it: I watch tons of TV, they watch tons of TV… I make wine in my toilet, they make wine in their toilet… BUT! What’s interesting is that the incarcerated readership of I Love Television™ is almost exclusively female. And I’m still trying to figure out why. I assume it’s because male prisoners find me threatening. They are threatened by a) my tats—even though I drew those tears on with a Bic pen, and b) my sexuality. It’s just too much for them. Male prison is already a hotbed of pent up sexual frustration, and I can easily imagine a horny riot breaking out after reading one of my columns. But lady prisoners love me!

They think I’m cute, funny, and are always asking me to be their pen pal. Here’s one I received today from someone currently incarcerated in the Kentucky Correctional Institute for Women: Dear Wm. Steven Hump-Me™, my name is Jackie Ann Barquette, and I am 5’7”, 130 lbs, with brown eyes and brown hair. I have a nice smile, an easy going sense of humor, and I love TV, too. I’m currently doing time for something I’d rather not talk about, but I’m not going to kill you or anything. LOL. ;( Anything good on TV this week? Write back soon.—Jackie Ann. P.S. And I would not strangle you neither. LOL. 😐 And here’s my response: Dear Jackie Ann: I am 5’11”, 170 lbs, and have heat vision, which I use to incinerate the tax forms of evil doers. [NOTE TO READERS: Not really, but I’ve learned that with prison pen pals, acting crazy keeps the actual dangerous people at bay.] I have reddish hair, and lots of teeth. I am not going to kill you either. :(((( I’m not in prison, but sometimes it feels like I am—a prison of awesomeness. Here’s what’s on TV this week! The Great Escape (TNT, Sun June 24, 10 pm). This show will probably be of zero interest, Jackie Ann, but it’s a new reality contest in which players must escape from near inescapable situations—you know, like Alcatraz Prison? Yeah, I didn’t think you’d be interested. WINK. The Newsroom (HBO, Sun June 24, 10 pm). You remember Aaron Sorkin, right? The West Wing? SportsNight? Right. Anyway, he’s got this new show about a cable news network that nearly implodes after their most popular anchor—that’s Jeff Daniels—has a meltdown on air. Then they all realize, “Hey, maybe we can be a great news station again without being dicks about it!” In other words, it’s a fairy tale. Final Witness (ABC, Wed June 27, 10 pm). Here’s an interesting show, Jackie Ann! It’s a new docudrama series that “offers a unique look America’s most shocking murders”—but get this! The dramatizations of the crimes will be narrated by the murdered victim! EWWWW!! Man, this show could really cause some trouble for a prisoner that may have gotten away with mur—ahem. Well, gotta run! My heat vision just incinerated all my notes. Sincerely yours, Wm.™ Steven Don’t Kill Me. LOL! 🙁

Incarcerated or not… follow me on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey

This article appears in Jun 21-27, 2012.