The Importance of Emotional Stability

Understanding your feelings is key to making a difference in your life. Knowing the source of your debilitating feelings and understanding its purpose can provide an opportunity to learn self-control and in doing so provide greater opportunity for personal satisfaction.

Everyone wants what he or she wants. We learn to be demanding in early childhood when our coping skills are limited and our tolerance for frustration is short. During maturation, as our lives become more complicated, our coping skills and our ability to tolerate greater frustration also need to undergo growth. Unfortunately for many that is not the case and when we do not get what we want, most people get upset and show their feelings negatively. We mistakenly identify the source of our upset as being external: situations or other people. By identifying the source of our negative emotions as being outside of ourselves, we place ourselves in a position of great vulnerability. We feel powerless, victimized and inferior.

We benefit when we address our need for re-education. We benefit when we can learn the difference between wants and needs, acceptance and agreement and can’t and won’t.

Needs are essential: air, water, food, clothing and shelter. Without these, we could not survive. They are necessary. Everything else is merely a preference – what we want. Think about it. You do not need to have what you want. You create the need by your belief. Think about how you express your wants and needs and learn to be clearer, more rational.

Acceptance and agreement are words and concepts that are frequently used interchangeably, even though the meanings are significantly different. Not accepting reality leads to emotional vulnerability. Agreement is about preferences being met.

Anger is a feeling generated by an attitude or belief. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it covers another emotion. What anger frequently covers is fear. We are fear-based animals and therefore feeling afraid may be an appropriate reaction. Anger also frequently covers hurt, though it is rarely acknowledged. It gets back to what was mentioned earlier, “wanting what we want,” and not knowing what to do with our strong feelings of frustration and of disappointment at not getting it. What most people do with less-than-desired outcomes is to personalize their feelings. So, rather than rationally recognizing that life is a random experience in which things happen and need to be accepted, we see the outcome as an extension of ourselves. It becomes about us. What is it about us that make the outcome so painful? This is what is meant by personalization. You could be thinking, “I’m no good,” or “I’m stupid.” You fill in the blanks with your own self-judgment.

The notions of can’t and won’t are also illogically interchanged. Recognize that can’t means we are unable to complete something, while won’t means we are unwilling to do something.

Although physical pain may be caused by external sources (people or events), emotional pain is self-generated. It is caused by beliefs that we hold about ourselves, others, life. It is what we tell ourselves about other people and situations that cause our emotional reactions. People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can “upset us.”

The process for change involves a willingness to invest time and energy into looking at how you think and finding alternative ways of seeing situations and yourself in them.

You have a great deal of control over you and limited control over others and over situations. Put your time and energy where they can make the biggest difference. Make a commitment to yourself that you assume more responsibility for the care of you and develop the skills you need to accomplish the goal.

−Roberta Stopler, LMFT is a psychotherapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. She can be reached at rstopler@aol.com

This article appears in Best of Central Oregon 2023.