Understanding Intimacy: Hopeful Husband on Valentine's Day

Dear Dr. Jane,

I love my wife. She’s amazing. Our love life is pretty good, but I’m really bad at showing her how much I love her on Valentine’s Day. The other day, I heard her talking to her best friend about it. She was putting me down a little bit. This Valentine’s Day, I want to blow her mind. She likes the small gestures, a nice dinner out and some gifts. I’ve done these things in the past, but our dates have been just meh. What are your suggestions for the perfect Valentine’s Day date?

From,

Hopeful Husband in Bend

Dear Hopeful,

This is a wonderful question. What matters to your partner is your attention and care. The love you put into planning the date will shine through to her. Just like a beautiful restaurant sets the stage for a memorable evening, every detail counts.

Create a plan for your evening. Think of it as a run of show. Proper preparation will make all the difference. When you’re confident in the planning, she’ll respond by being more open to romance with you.

Set the Stage
Since you’re married and live together, getting your house clean and tidy is an important first step. Vacuum and dust, clean the bathroom, put away clutter. These things may seem unimportant to you, but they matter to her. It’s difficult for her to really relax in her home when surrounded by things that need doing.

I also recommend getting a massage table for your house if that’s possible. A massage table can be fairly inexpensive and will fold up to go under a bed for storage. Set up the massage table as part of your preparation. After you get home from dinner, she’ll love having your hands on her.

Give Her Some Gifts
Give her something sensual. Buy her an incredibly soft blanket throw — in white — like a beautiful, sexy cloud that she can use to cuddle up with a book or her phone on a chilly evening. She might also like a delicate necklace with a small heart on it, or some sexy earrings. Be sure you know if she has sensitivity to metals as you make your selections. Knowing what she really likes is key here.

Go Out to Dinner
You’ll need to make a reservation for your Valentine’s Day date. Find a nice restaurant and let her know what type of dress will be required so that she can plan her outfit for you. If you’re like lots of couples, she often takes care of things like plans and reservations. During dinner, talk about something sexy and intimate — no conversations about the kids, work or money.

Come Home for Some Connection
After dinner, come home and connect. You might give her a massage or take a bath together. You could sit and talk on the couch and make out like you did when you first met. Don’t rush quickly to take care of the dogs or mail. Treat her the way you would if she were someone you’d recently met, someone you wanted to impress and seduce. Let things flow. Maybe she’d like to get in bed right away. That’s totally allowed. One important point: Don’t get on your phones. If possible, turn them off. Or at a minimum, put them on silent.

Fall Asleep Rested and Relaxed
You may make love or you may not. But whatever happens, realize that you’ve done a beautiful job showing her how much you love her. Tuck in together, tell her how much you care and happily drift off to sleep.

Whether your date goes exactly like this or includes something very different, what matters is that you make space in your lives to be together in a romantic and intimate way. Be present throughout. Listen to each other. Tell each other how much you mean to each other. You got this.

Xoxo
Dr. Jane

PS: Other tips: Shave, trim your nose and ear hair, wear a button-up shirt, nice dark jeans and the lace up shoes that she likes — even though they aren’t as comfortable as your slip-ons. This stuff matters.

This article appears in The Source Weekly February 13, 2025.