I really thought I could hang. I was mistaken.
When I heard that Portland buffalo wings favorite, Fire on the Mountain, was coming to Bend (next to the Campfire Hotel), I knew I had to try a heat challenge of my own before they opened. Their El Jefe wing sauce is cripplingly hot and I felt like as a man who enjoys a bit of heat, I had to see if Bend could even hang with the PDX fire makers.
Over the last few years, the Bend food scene has gotten better about it, but Central Oregon has always been a bit of a heat-adverse locale. If you wanted spice, you had to get it with Thai or Indian food, since the Southern and Soul Food choices weren't always very satisfying (or existent).
I know you can just keep adding spice to Thai or Indian cuisine until it melts your face off (I see you Wild Rose and Noi), but rather than that route, I went with as much Southern food as I could handle over a five-day period. Across the board I had good food, but I was also in the most pain I've ever been in from spicy food in my entire life.
Day one I went to Southern Accent (in the food cart lot behind Silver Moon) and tried the Nashville Chicken sandwich. This was a legit delicious sandwich that didn't go over the top with spice, instead using the spices to enhance the slaw, chicken and perfect brioche bun. Within a few minutes my mouth wasn't very hot anymore but I still had the complex blend of what tasted like cayenne and paprika mixing with the sweet Cajun fries and cooling slaw.
I then went immediately to Bluma's at Crosscut Warming Hut #5 and got the Spicy Fried Chicken Sandwich. The heat was similar to Southern Accent's: a nice mellow heat that warmed me up on a cold winter's night. I was going to crush this self-imposed Man vs. Hot Chicken competition with ease. But now I was so full, I needed to sleep the sleep of the dead.
Day two I pre-gamed with some fries and "Ouch" sauce from the D&D. Normally, I get a dozen wings slathered in them, but I was still feeling a bit stuffed from the one/two punch of Southern Accent and Bluma's the day before. Fries dipped in the tart spice of their "Ouch" sauce was the perfect starter since the delicious vinegar heat of the sauce cleared my sinuses before sending me on my way.
I was still a bit over chicken for the moment, but I still wanted to get spicy, so I went to TOTS! at the Midtown Yacht Club and tried the Seven Pepper Facelift TOTS! with Buffalo sauce and bacon. The heat on these was pretty intense at first, but the bacon actually helped cut the spice pretty quickly and made for a truly delicious dish. Plus, the tots are so huge that it still felt like I was indulging in Southern cuisine, since they are basically a beautiful hybrid of hush puppies and fried hashbrowns.
Day three was when I genuinely got destroyed. I DoorDashed the Tennessee 2-Step Tacos and the Nashville Style Chicken Strip Basket from Tin Pig at Crux Fermentation Project and in the comments let them know I was doing a story on spicy food, asking if they could heat them up a bit. I picture them reading my comment and laughing at the sweet summer child they were about to murder with hot sauce.
I was nervous ordering the seven. Wonderland owner-operator-Spice-God Jonathan Gooden literally apologized to me and told me that I was about to be in pain.
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I managed one taco and one chicken strip before my mouth began hurting worse than anything I've ever felt. My teeth throbbed. My throat felt like I swallowed a glowing briquette. The dry rub on those pieces of chicken mixed with the cotija cheese and mustard slaw just pounded fire into my face. I got the hiccups so badly that I ordered a milk shake to try and alleviate some pain.
The respite was only temporary.
Day four I ate nothing but my own words.
Finally, day five had arrived. I could only handle one more place. I knew there were so many more I didn't try, but my stomach and I were no longer on speaking terms. But I knew I had to try the Nashville Chicken Sandwich from Wonderland Chicken Co. at Bunk + Brew if I was to remotely be as masochistically thorough as I was attempting with this story. See, their spice level goes from 0-7 (zero being no spice and seven being titled "Calm Like a Bomb"). Months ago, I had tried the five ("Extreme") and it was the hottest thing I'd ever tasted.
I was nervous ordering the seven. Wonderland owner-operator-Spice-God Jonathan Gooden literally apologized to me and told me that I was about to be in pain. Two-thirds of the way into the delicious, thick chicken breast I thought I was the King of Fire. The heat was balanced and I thought I could handle it. Then I took the last three bites and experienced a level of heat I legitimately had no idea existed. Let me give you an example: the Scoville scale is what measures spice in peppers. A Poblano pepper is 2,000 Scoville Heat Units. A chipotle pepper is 8,000 SHU. The Calm Like a Bomb Chicken Sandwich from Wonderland.... 2,000,000 SHU.
I didn't know spice before. Now I know. When Fire on the Mountain opens in Bend, I'm sure I'll give it a shot, but maybe I'm too old to wreck myself that hard on hot food. Either way, I'm not sure I'll ever be a guest on Hot Ones. . . but I could be.
