Five-Star Gourmet Straight Poop at Fast-Food Prices

Monday, March 14

Staring into the abyss: Japan fears nuclear disaster as explosion damages reactor and radiation levels rise … Really lousy timing: Aflac fires Gilbert Gottfried as voice of the Aflac duck after he tweets lame jokes like: “Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them” … Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour fires aide for joking that Otis Redding’s “Dock of the Bay” isn’t popular in Japan right now … Royals gotta stick together: Saudi Arabia sends troops into neighboring Bahrain as royal family asks for help to quell uprising … Nothing like an open mind: National Rifle Association boss Wayne LaPierre refuses to meet with President Obama. “Why should I or the NRA go sit down with a group of people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment in the United States?” he says … Surprisingly, this did not happen in Arizona: During discussion about shooting feral swine from helicopters, Kansas State Rep. Virgil Peck suggests using same tactic on illegal immigrants. He later says it was a joke. Maybe he should be a writer for Gilbert Gottfried.

Tuesday, March 15

No nukes is good nukes? Explosion and fire rock another reactor in Japan as possibility of core meltdown looms … Germany, feeling a bit nervous, shuts down seven of its reactors, all built before 1980 … Near-meltdown in Washington: House passes stopgap spending bill, delaying government shutdown for three weeks, as 54 Republicans defect to Democratic side … Meanwhile, House Republicans hold “emergency” meeting of Rules Committee to discuss cutting off funds for National Public Radio … Winter looks brighter: Oregon’s unemployment rate drops to 10.2 percent in February, with strong job growth in private sector … Now that’s harsh: Singer Jon Bon Jovi (remember him?) says Apple’s Steve Jobs is “personally responsible for killing the music business” with iTunes … … Dirty old man: Prosecutors claim Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi paid for sex with underage Moroccan girl 13 times.

Wednesday, March 16

This must be getting serious: Emperor Akihito of Japan makes unprecedented TV appearance to express concern and encouragement … US advises its citizens to stay at least 50 miles away from crippled nuke plant … Bad day for freedom: Rebel forces opposing Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi overwhelmed after making last-ditch stand in city of Ajdabiya … New York Times says three of its reporters and a photographer are missing in Libya … Meanwhile, Saudi troops swoop down on protesters in Bahrain’s Pearl Square … Lethal free speech: William Melchert-Dinkel found guilty in Minnesota of aiding suicide by urging depressed people on the Internet to kill themselves; could get 15 years.

Thursday, March 17

Help at last: Libyan rebels finally get some good news as U.N. Security Council approves no-fly zone and military action against Qaddafi … Battling the Click & Clack socialist menace: U.S. House, in party-line vote, cuts off funding for National Public Radio. Bill likely to go nowhere in Democratic-controlled Senate … Lawmakers and lawbreakers: Wisconsin DA charges Republican state senators with breaking state’s open meetings law with stealth vote to pass union-busting bill … Deschutes County Commissioner Tony DeBone proposes cutting salary of DA Patrick Flaherty 20% to help pay for Flaherty’s grand jury investigation of, uh, something … Religious observance: Millions of Americans enact annual rite of getting stinking drunk in honor of the patron saint of Ireland.

Friday, March 18

Every place is downwind: First traces of radiation from Japanese nuclear reactor disaster arrive on West Coast; experts say nothing to worry about … Not so fast: Wisconsin judge issues restraining order blocking state’s new union-busting law … Don’t get mad, get everything: Tiger Woods’s ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly buying 17,000-square-foot, $12 million mansion in North Palm Beach, FL, 10 miles away from Tiger’s estate … Mideast heats up again: Security forces and government supporters in Yemen open fire on protesters, kill 40. In Bahrain, government tears down symbolic monument in Pearl Square … You can’t make this stuff up: Republican lawmakers in Minnesota push bill making it illegal for people getting public assistance to carry more than $20 cash.

Saturday, March 19

Shocked and awful: U.S. military begins “Operation Odyssey Dawn” against Qaddafi, hitting military targets with missiles launched from Navy ships in the Mediterranean … Sarah Palin, on trip to India, criticizes Obama’s handling of Libya, says she would have shown “less dithering, more decisiveness.” Maybe she would have shot Qaddafi from a helicopter … Don’t eat your spinach, kids: Japanese health ministry finds abnormally high levels of radiation in milk and spinach produced 30 to 75 miles away from damaged nuke plant … Getting mooned and liking it: “Supermoon” wows spectators as moon comes closest to Earth in 18 years; unfortunately, clouds spoil the show in Bend.

Sunday, March 20

Good nuke news: Japan says it’s stabilized two of the six reactors at damaged nuclear plant … “Cheese-eating surrender monkeys,” eh? French cruise missile hits Qaddafi’s residential compound; not known if dictator was home at the time … Elsewhere in Mideast, Egyptians enthusiastically vote for new constitution and a bunch of government officials in Yemen resign to protest deadly attacks against demonstrators … Don’t dare call her a dick: Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’s former mistress, moves to NYC to begin career as a private detective … Other news from the Tiger beat: Britain’s Daily Mail reports the golfer, 35, is dating Alyse Lahti Johnson, 22, a blond (of course) college student.