Ripped From The Headlines: Torn gets ripped, Obama woodsheds Congress and more! | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Ripped From The Headlines: Torn gets ripped, Obama woodsheds Congress and more!

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Super Bowl (really his couch, a bottle and bookie only a reach away), hating the guy who loves the commercials - on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Busted Piggy Banks

President Obama is doing more damage control than Toyota. Gas pedals sticking to the floor and sending cars out of control at high speed (stop, think, put the car in neutral, people) is much like government spending. The new $3.6-trillion budget is akin to a panhandler trying to sell a Hummer (err, let's say Porsche) and will increase our deficit by $1.6 trillion over ten years, a reality that the White House defended by pointing out that Obama inherited a $1.3 trillion deficit from Bush. Does any of this make sense? Of course not. We're dealing with D.C. here, where our money and morals are mere talking points. The budget does include cuts: Bush's attempt to explore the moon (so much cheese still undiscovered), border security (shhh, don't tell Mexico), and a bunch of programs that fix the environment and actually help people but are no longer compelling sound-bites on television and YouTube.

Officially Ungovernable

While digging under the couch cushions for spare change, Obama found his spine this past week. He took both Dems and the GOP to the woodshed during his State of the Union, then turned on the Supreme Court (making Justice Samuel Alito do a bobble-head, "You can't question our wisdom! Or lifetime appointments... ") for overturning any controls on corporate campaign spending. This is one angry man (think Sidney Poitier's In the Heat of the Night) tired of "Gotcha!" politics, his own party's erectile dysfunction, and the GOP's Tourettes syndrome, continually spouting, "Big government takeover... Our children... Big government... " Ignorantly, the GOP then invited Obama to their regular gathering of white men in Baltimore, with Obama offering them a lesson in how and why democracy has failed, saying, "What happens is that you guys don't have a lot of room to negotiate with me. The fact of the matter is, many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable with your own base, with your own party because what you've been telling your constituents is, 'This guy's doing all kinds of crazy stuff that's going to destroy America.'"

In response, former used car salesman John Boehner (now leader of the GOP) proved his party has amnesia, saying, "They can't blame us for their inability to govern... We've learned our lesson in terms of too much spending." FYI: A recent NBC poll shows that 48 percent of Americans blame Republicans for the lack of progress in D.C., 41 percent blame Democrats, and the paltry, petty, pathetic rest blame Obama, and still busy trying to prove he wasn't born here nor really elected president.

Yep, It Was A Good Week to Die

"Goddam" we lost two "lousy" writers this week. J.D. Salinger died somewhere in Cornish, NH, last Wednesday at the age of 91. Though it's remarkable anyone knows he died because J.D. was so secretive. Famous for writing some novel about a boy named Holden. J.D. hated fame so much that he had his agent burn all fan letters then hid on his 90 acres, marrying women much younger and despising all of us for appreciating his work. Sadly, a much more important writer died the same day as J.D. - Howard Zinn, who rewrote American history by actually talking about its people, movements and failures in A People's History of the United States, died at 87. Explaining his book (which went from 4,000 original copies to over a million-plus sold) Zinn said in an interview, "Our nation had gone through an awful lot - the Vietnam War, civil rights, Watergate - yet the textbooks offered the same fundamental nationalist glorification of country. I got the sense that people were hungry for a different, more honest take."

Sex Robots and Rip Torn

For $7,000 you can now own Roxxxy, a redhead standing 5'7" and weighing 120lbs, built by some lonely nerd named Douglas Hines. She's very lifelike with soft silicon skin and believable orifices, yet the inventor maybe made her too much like a woman. Roxxxy has five different personalities and won't shut-up, carrying on conversations with speech recognition capabilities instead of just having sex, making her man a sandwich then leaving. In other disturbing news, actor Rip Torn broke into a Connecticut bank this weekend with a gun, drunk as, well. As of press time, Torn had posted bail and was busy planning his next photo-op with his good friend, Jack Daniels.

While We Were Distracted...

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning that winter will last longer, more "orphans" will be stolen from Haiti by caring Christians, and bankers will still "earn" giant bonuses this year; China has warned Obama not to meet with the Dalai Lama, threatening to take our $3.6 trillion budget away; the medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 study it published linking autism to the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine; Sarah Palin is being paid $100,000 to give a speech to a "Tea Party" group opposed to taxation and politicians making money from their elected positions; 54 people died in Baghdad on Monday when a female suicide bomber detonated herself among Shiite pilgrims; more people died in Afghanistan - U.S. soldiers included; those pesky 7-plus-year wars simply won't go away; and, finally, former British PM Tony Blair called evidence that he and U.S. President George Bush invaded Iraq under false pretenses "ludicrous."

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