I Luv TV

GAHHH! What's that glowing orb in the sky? There are only two possible choices: It's either Apollo riding down to earth on his dazzling chariot to smite all unbelievers (in which case, we need a nubile virgin to sacrifice – STAT), or I'm suffering from yet another stroke (which would make the third this week). Wait… oh, goddammit, never mind… it's just the SUN.
UNGHHH!!!! I hate the sun! Every summer it's the same goddamn thing! For the entirety of Winter and Spring I'm perfectly content to curl up on my couch, watch TV, and lazily lick the crumbs off an empty pan of Totino pizza rolls. Then, without warning… BAM! The goddamn sun – like a thunderstorm of serrated steak knives – comes blasting out of the sky, crashing through my filthy Croatian blinds (can't afford the Venetian variety), and directly into my eyeballs. It STAB, STAB, STABBITY STABS my poor defenseless eyes until they're utterly useless for what God intended; i.e. watching multiple episodes of Disney's Gummi Bears and internet porn.

First things first! I'm not much of what you kids today call a “videogamer.” For me – AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, MIND YOU – playing videogames is a fruitless pursuit, which wastes precious time that could be better spent acquiring a myriad of interesting sexually transmitted diseases (and/or sores). But HEY. If you like chasing your little Pac-Mans around a blinky screen, or jumping around like an ignoramus while trying to avoid a barrel-throwing monkey, or fake kung fu fighting some poorly drawn and racially suspect Japanese characters, then by all means, have a fabulous time. I'll be trading STDs with your mom.
That being said, I read some extremely interesting news regarding the videogame technology world that could change the way I watch television (and the way I make snide remarks towards videogamers). Microsoft's Xbox announced the fall launch of “Live TV” – and the things it promises to do are FREAKY. Besides playing dorky games, it will also be able to stream live television from the box to your TV, conduct Bing internet searches for even more content (from Hulu, Netflix, etc.) AND use “motion-sensing Kinect technology” to allow viewers to control their TV viewing experience with their MOUTHS, rather than an old-timey remote control!

Goddamn kids! I'll tell YOU the trouble with kids today. All they care about are their goddamn Pokey-Mans, iPods, Sunny D's, Pop Rocks, Kid Bopz, Razor scooters, internet porn, bear traps, sandwich fixin's, IUDs, Elmo, karate lessons, Santa Claus, Katy Perry, Lady Goo-Goo, Shaun Cassidy, sexting, unicycles, jaguars (the animal, not the car), fist pumps, saxophone solos, binge drinking, caramel corn, raising the national debt ceiling, monster trucks, flash mobs, Pogs, Ninja Turtles, pizza pie, Dig Dug, Indians, mayonnaise, Pilates, graffiti, wedgies, swirlies, weight lifting, tongue piercing, Cracker Jacks.

Look, guys! In case you haven't noticed, I have some opinions about things! For example: scones. Who was the freaking idiot who invented scones? THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

Okay, I think we can all admit that this past season of TV shows ate the b-hole out of a donkey. It LITERALLY was so bad, it LITERALLY asked a donkey if it could feast on its b-hole – because asking a donkey first is the polite thing to do. Don't ask me how I know this. Anyway, the point is that when a TV season stinks, I sorta kinda stink, too. When left with nothing interesting to say, I often feel backed into a corner, and in a blind panic say unseemly things about the b-holes of donkeys.

Nothing ever ends as good as it should. Example: my forthcoming death. Now, a person of my prestige should die in a spectacular way – such as being eaten by wolves, or rescuing a basket of kittens from inside an erupting volcano while using an experimental jet pack. Unfortunately, it ain't gonna end this way. Like you, I'll probably meet my fate at the hands of prostate cancer, heart attack, or worse, old age (staring out the window of my rest home, desperately trying to remember the details of my last sponge bath).

In a week filled with crappy season finales, there is one TV show that I hate – yet “hate” to see go. Yes, this week brings the final episode EVER of Smallville (CW, Fri May 13, 8 pm). As a young TV columnist, I grew up with this hilariously operatic teen drama featuring postpubescent hunky hunkster Clark Kent (played by the muscley if not particularly talented Tom Welling). I've written at least umpteen columns about Smallville, all of which have devolved into lengthy, practically unreadable essays involving Welling repeatedly whipping off his shirt, accompanied by intense descriptions of the height, circumference, and hue of his nipples.

Dear Owner and Operators of my local 7-11:
I'm writing to express my EXTREME disappointment in your current selection of “Thor Slurpee Cups.” As you may know, I'm wildly excited for this weekend's premiere of the feature film Thor – so much so, in fact, I intended on purchasing every Thor Slurpee cup you have in stock. Therefore, you can imagine my horror when I discovered that every one of your Slurpee containers depicted Thor… without his helmet.
WHAT… THE… CRAP? Do you realize what a colossal blunder you've made? Thor without his helmet is like Batman without pointy ears! Wolverine without pop-up knuckle knives! Wonder Woman without her camel toe!

Didja hear? Didja hear? The New York Post reported that NBC may be cutting back on its coverage of this week's royal wedding because, according to inside sources, Prince William and bride-to-be Kate Middleton have as much sex appeal as an apple rotting on a windowsill.
“This could not be more false!” squawked a rep for NBC. “NBC News has the most aggressive and comprehensive coverage of the royal wedding, as you will see when you tune in to Today starting Friday [April 29] at 4:00 a.m., to Dateline at 9:00 p.m., and on MSNBC, Telemundo, etc.” The rep then added, “This has been the plan from the beginning… and with that I bid you cheerio!”

My friends, prepare for a shock: This week I have been discriminated against – not once, but TWICE. Now, I'm no stranger to discrimination: as you can imagine, it's not exactly easy for a white man with an absolutely luscious honey-baked ham to avoid acts of discriminatory jealousy. Nevertheless! It's the way I'm being currently discriminated against that's so infuriating. For example…
Discriminatory practice against Humpy #1: According to a scientific study conducted by University College London Medical School, women tend to get drunker than men – even when they drink the same amount of alcohol! The researchers found that because girls have less body water than guys (55% compared to men's 65%), their blood alcohol level is a third higher! That means a 143 lb. man would have the same blood alcohol level after drinking three Long Island Ice Teas, as a 143 lb. woman would after guzzling only TWO! And that, my fine, feathered friend, is BULL… PLOP!!