I Luv TV

So, guys! I'm seriously considering “taking a wife.” (No, I'm not talking about your wife, nor will I be “taking her” in the way you're thinking – unless, of course, she's interested in such an arrangement, in which case, e-mail me.) Now, you may be thinking: “Hey, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! You've already had three wives. Don't you think taking another one is a bit greedy?” AU CONTRAIRE, MON FRERE! Even though all of my marriages went down in flames, I am nevertheless a staunch proponent of the institution. The way I see it, until EVERYONE is allowed to get married (I'm looking at YOU, gays!), I'm gonna do my best to fawk it up for EVERYONE. Seriously, lawmakers! I've got some truly obscene and lewd plans for “marriage,” so it's in everyone's best interest to let everyone jump on board – otherwise? I WILL NOT BE STOPPED.

Guess what, bottom-effers? Today marks my employer's most hated time of year, also known as “contract renegotiation day”! For me, it's like Christmas, Halloween, and Mardi Gras all rolled up into one. For my boss, it's more like 9/11, leukemia, and tofu wrapped in a poop tortilla. True, I've often been labeled a “difficult negotiator” – but I always get results! (Dear employer: spoiler alert ahead! Can you please excuse yourself, so I can reveal my most cunning negotiation secrets? THANKS.)

Guys… gather round. It pains me to say this, but it's time to stop ignoring the problem staring us in the face, and actually do something to stop it. Otherwise, we're just enabling this type of behavior, right? Okay, so we're all in agreement; we need to act on this NOW, correct? Good! Now steel yourselves, because we can expect a lot of resistance, and – oh. Get in position, here they come!
HELLO, TLC. I suppose you're wondering why your viewers are gathered together in your living room. It's because… oh, no you don't! You're not going anywhere! You are going to sit down, and hear what we have to say! As your loyal viewers, we're here today to tell you how much your actions have hurt and affected us. I'll start:

I Love Television™ reader Karly from Oregon writes: “Your 'Ten MORE Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus' [March 2] was so hateful. Are you so poor a writer that you must resort to gross-out ass humour? Sad. And us medical marijuana users couldn't care less what you think of pot smoking. Again, an awful lot of hate. Over 25 percent of human genes are the same as those of a banana. Get over yourself!”
Dear Karly, thanks for writing! Allow me to respond: (1) I did not know that about bananas! That's an interesting – if not exactly surprising – thing for a pothead to say. (2) I never “resort” to “gross-out ass humour.” As regular readers know, “gross-out ass” is my preferred method of “humour” – mixing it up occasionally with “depraved prostate humour,” “sickening vagina humour,” and “grody pee-hole humour.” (3) “Humour” is actually spelled “humor” unless you're a pothead from 18th-century England.

First of all, it should be noted that Charlie Sheen – if he's still alive – is making me look bad. Not to brag, but I've been doing this “banging hookers/guzzling liquor/snorting goofballs” shtick for the last 15 years – and yet has a single producer from Good Morning, America asked ME for an interview? Is my taste in porn stars not good enough? Doesn't my ability to inhale a seven-gram rock of blow off the ground from a standing position warrant a similar type of attention? It's HORSE HOCKEY, my friend. HORSE… HOCKEY!!

Reason #11: Miley Cyrus is SO unlikable that her mere existence is forcing me to write yet another column about how much I dislike her. (The first column, entitled “Ten Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus,” was written last year, and it actually contained only eight reasons – because I was so infuriated by dislike for her, I ran out of space. But since that was HER fault, I'm starting this column with Reason #11.)
Reason #12: Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live this week (Sat March 5, NBC, 11:30 pm), with musical guests the Strokes. Everything about that last sentence – especially the mention of Miley Cyrus – is unlikable. For comparison, here's a more likable sentence: Seeping Chest Wound is hosting a Dysentery Vegan Potluck this week, with anal itching guests the Genital Wart Marching Band.

Hey, everybody! I'm the ACADEMY AWARDS! OOH-LA-LA! Look how fancy I am! I'll be on TV this coming Sunday, February 27, on ABC at 5:30 p.m., so everybody should stop whatever it is they're doing and watch me because I'm sooooo super IMPORTANT and sooooo FANCY! Oooooooh! Look at my fancy statue! Oooooooh! Look at all the fancy people! Oooooooh! Look at all the fancy clothes! Currently, I'm wearing a powdered wig, a ruffled collar, and skintight breeches, and I'm waving a pretty lacy hankie in the air because OOOOOOOOOOH! I'M SO FANCY!

Ladies and gentlemen, set your DVR and/or Betamax to “record,” because this coming Tuesday (Feb 22) is a “very special episode” of Glee! (Record scratch.) “Hold on there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “Isn't every episode of Glee a 'very special episode?'” Well… okay! You have a point! Glee is basically the Blossom of this millennium – except with more explicit teen sex, gay bullying, and addictions to unnecessary mash-ups.

Valentine's Day is this week! Which is why I'm taking this opportunity to advise you on what you're doing WRONG in your romantic relationships. Just think of me like Dr. Phil – except I'm not pear-shaped, I don't wear a pedophile mustache, I don't talk like Deputy Dawg, I don't offer people the absolute worst advice in the world, and, generally speaking, I'm not a despicable human being who deserves to be kicked in the junk, trampled by bulls, and shot out of a cannon into the feces-filled heinie-hole of Ann Coulter. [Insider tip: I DON'T LIKE DR. PHIL VERY MUCH.]

Ummm… WELL? Are you just going to sit there ogling my structurally perfect ass or are you going to wish me a happy anniversary? THAT'S CORRECT! This week, I celebrate ten glorious years of disparaging the idiot sport of football, and in particular the SUPER BOWL (which will attempt to bore the shit out of me once again on Fox, Sun Feb 6, 3:30 pm).
Yes, it seems like only yesterday when I started writing repetitive fanatical columns about this utterly useless national event, ranting on and on like a mouth-foaming, meth-addicted Andy Rooney trying to fathom the difference between e-mail and Twitter. For example, this is what I said in 2005: