I Luv TV

[Editor's Note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is lazy and on vacation, therefore enjoy this old-timey column from the I Love Television™ crappy column vault, circa 2007.]

You know, the really interesting thing about television is… is… GodDAMMIT! Can you please put that video game controller down and listen to me? It really hurts my feelings when I try to pretend I know something about television, and YOU'RE mashing buttons on that stupid video game machine. Don't you understand?? I have feelings! I have needs! And… NO, I will NOT move out from in front of the screen! Why don't you MOVE OUT? OF OUR HOUSE? Need help carrying your bags? Well, ask your friend Donkey Kong! I SAID, GET OUT!!!

Let's talk… TIME TRAVEL. (And no, it's not just a subject for bespectacled nerds who furiously masturbate to crudely sketched drawings of Princess Leia.) Though often a complete and utter waste of time, the subject of “time travel” can also tell us a lot about ourselves. Example: This Saturday, August 27, at 9:00 p.m., the BBCA network presents the midseason return of Doctor Who – a show normally viewed by those dressed in ill-fitting Star Trek uniforms who violently argue with no one in particular over who would win in a fight between Superman and Wolverine. (Answer: Wolverine… with kryptonite blades.)
And while I'm definitely not one of those “Doctor Who people,” it should be noted that the show's current incarnation is helmed by writer Steven Moffat, who cowrote the freaking BRILLIANT Sherlock reboot that aired earlier this year – so you know it's gonna be both smarty-AND-funny pants. Plus there's a distinct possibility, since this episode is tantalizingly entitled “Let's Kill Hitler,” that someone's going to… you know… kill Hitler.

Okay, let me start out by saying that I have never – not even once in my life – masturbated in a movie theater. This is a point of pride for me, because I'm sure many of my readers can't say the same. The way I see it, a movie theater is a sacred place; one filled with people who came to watch a movie and not necessarily someone (not even me) masturbating. Besides, they build actual “masturbation theaters” (primarily used by unhappily married men, Christians, and Republicans) – so if you want to masturbate while watching a movie? I'd suggest one of those.
HOWEVER! This is NOT to say I've never been tempted to masturbate during a movie at a theater. For example, 1997's Spice World – that movie starring the Spice Girls. (I kind of had a “thing” for Posh.) I was also tempted to masturbate during Schindler's List – not because I was sexually excited, but because then I could say I was the only person in the world to ever masturbate during Schindler's List. (As you can probably tell, my attempts to get into the Guinness Book of World Records have been unsuccessful thus far.)

“The stars shine bright! All day and night! [CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!] Deep in the heaaaart of Texas!” That song is the only good thing about Texas. Now admittedly, I don't know much about the state. I've visited it on only one occasion: It was 1984 and I was a drug mule for a large-ish crime cartel. (Hey! I paid for college without getting student loans. DID YOU??) I was transported into the state by speedboat, and when I came ashore, it looked like a third-world nation. The buildings were decrepit, and the people – most wearing tunics or sarongs – were angrily glaring at my choice of clothing: Daisy Duke shorts and a Loverboy 1983 “Keep It Up Tour” sleeveless T-shirt. The roadside vendors sold a dish called “wet thar dote htoe” – literally, “pork on a stick,” which was… WAIT. I'm thinking of Burma. I've never been to Texas.

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I Love Television™ reader Josh Mason writes: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me™: Kudos, sir, for your column last week [“Weenie Dogs Are Worse,” July 27] in which you correctly identify weenie dogs as the worst animal in the universe. I, too, am incredibly phobic of this despised, deranged, and deeply stupid animal that makes me question the very existence of God. Think about it: What kind of God would create a weird, long dog with an insatiable taste for the human ankle? It's just not right, and it never will be.”
Thank you, Josh, and yes, I totally agree. If there's a God, it's little wonder he resides in heaven where his ankles are not constantly subject to senseless, vicious attacks from the most craven, ugly, maniacally unhinged animal on earth. HOWEVER! While we can all agree there should be strict laws severely limiting the ownership and movement of these creatures – I think weenie dogs should be strapped down on a gurney and forced to wear the Hannibal Lecter hockey mask from The Silence of the Lambs – let's not forget there are other filthy animals which are almost as dangerous.

Look, I have nothing against Shark Week. Indeed, this annual weeklong television tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep is just as anticipated in the Humpy household as Christmas, Easter, and all those other made up holidays. HOWEVER! All I'm saying is that the Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal – for example, the weenie dog. DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, the far more dangerous animal of the two, and here's my three-pronged proof:
Proof One! Unless you're that dick Aquaman, how much time do you, the average person, spend in the ocean? Maybe 20 minutes per year tops? Comparatively, how many times per year do you pass a weenie dog? I dunno… maybe 125? Therefore your ankle's chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than a similar attack from a shark. (Note: the previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but nonetheless scientifically sound.)

Okay, first of all, I just want everybody to know that I'm still not mad that Seal Team 6 got to Osama bin Laden before I did. That happened nearly three months ago, and I'm totally over it… not that I was mad about it in the first place. Oh sure, I did have a super-cunning plan to take down bin Laden – one I'd been working on night and day for the past four years, which was far more clever than a bunch of bros kicking down a door and dogpiling on top of him – but, hey… whatever works, right? The important thing is that Osama bin Laden is out of our hair, and it makes no difference whatsoever whether it was a group of frat boys with a plan as subtle as a sledgehammer pounding a package of cheese 'n' crackers, or my infinitely more amazing scheme that was so detailed and profoundly artful, it would've made Al Qaeda stand up and give me the 1980s movie cafeteria “slow clap.”

OH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BULL-PLOP! So as you probably know, there's this super popular kiddie movie opening this week called Harry Potter and the Howling Herpes of Hogwarts or some crap like that. What-EVER, right? I'll be spending my ten dollars on something based in REALITY – most likely booze, booze, or a quickly negotiated handjob administered in the alley behind the establishment where I purchased the booze.

First, let it be stated that I don't know a single person who watches (or will admit to watching) the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. (For those who wish to remain fashionably ignorant, Two and a Half Men is the one that starred Duckie from Pretty in Pink and Charlie Sheen before he decided to stop being sober and start “WINNING.”) However! Apparently someone must be watching this show because it's consistently one of CBS' top rated programs – at least among the network's chief demographic, 33-44 year old mentally handicapable donkeys and incontinent nursing home residents who can't quite remember where the remote went (or how to operate it). And that's why CBS is so gung ho to send Charlie on his merry way and replace him with someone almost as annoying: mop topped, coffin-robber Ashton Kutcher.

My Fellow Americans: Every year at this time – despite my editor's heavy sighs of exasperation – I shove aside my usual nattering about television to expound on a subject you obviously don't give two donkey plops about: PATRIOTISM!! [Warning: You're about to find yourself on the business end of a stern lecture. It's best if you just sit there attentively and take it, rather than interrupting with back sass. Seriously, that behavior will just extend my lecture by at least two hours – so shut your stupid mouth, glue your eyes on me, and LISTEN.]
While probably not a shock, your “patriotism score” is at an all time LOW, therefore forcing me to give you a grade of “UNSATISFACTORY.” In comparison, my patriotism score is through the roof (as usual), which is why I'm awarding myself with a grade of “A+++++ Awesomely Excellent!” Why are your scores so low? THREE REASONS: 1) You are lazy and ungrateful. 2) You hate America, and all she stands for. 3) You didn't eat enough breakfast, and now you're suffering from low blood sugar. Wait… there's a fourth reason! YOU'VE LOST TOUCH WITH THE PATRIOT INSIDE.