I Luv TV

A somewhat recent survey performed by the Parents Television Council claims that, between 2011 and 2012, “full frontal nudity” on TV jumped 6,300 percent.” WHAT. First of all, what television are they watching, because I want to watch that television. Secondly, are they sure they’re watching actual “television” and not “porn on their laptop”? Thirdly, […]

Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I’ll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay I guess—but they certainly can’t compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, […]

Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I’ll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay I guess—but they certainly can’t compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, […]

Let’s talk about my brain for a minute. You know… how advanced it is. To help you understand the advance-iness of my brain, let’s use the most fanciest, most expensive crystal goblet in the world as a metaphor. Would you fill the most fanciest, most expensive goblet in the world with a daiquiri made out […]

As you already know, I have a complicated relationship with Justin Bieber. About the time his mega summer jam “Baby” hit the airwaves back in 2010, I became Justin Bieber’s #1 grownup fan. (I was also in hot contention to become his #1 creepiest fan—but got beat out by some pee-hole who was later arrested […]

Let’s not mince words: I deeeeeeeespise the Super Bowl. And I’m not too crazy about regular football, either. But the Super Bowl represents America at its most boring and grotesque—and even worse? For an entire week it completely overshadows and interrupts a lot of great TV, which—HELLOOOOOO SPORTS FANS! IT’S ME, THE SUPER BOWL! DON’T […]

I’ve recently come to the unpleasant realization I might kind of just possibly maybe kinda sorta be a psychopath. I arrived at this determination in two ways: 1) I re-read a year’s worth of my TV columns, and 2) Wikipedia told me so. According to the definition on the “psychopathy” page, “Psychopathy is a personality […]

I’ve got good news; I’ve got bad news. First, the bad news: The networks have staunchly refused to give my reality show, High-Diving Donkeys a green light. Their rejection letter said something about how a show involving 12 donkeys living together in one house while competing against each other in high-diving competitions “isn’t commercially viable.” […]

[In lieu of an informative column, here is a truncated list of things I said in 2012, provided entirely out of context. (As if that would help.)—Humpy] “I do not outwardly dislike old people. This is because when I do outwardly dislike them, they tend to shake their walkers at me, accuse me of being ‘ageist,’ and […]

[Guys! I’m on vacation this week, so please enjoy this antique edition of I Love Television™ in which I attempt, and fail, to say something of value. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!—Humpy] (1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I’m talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (available on DVD and permanently seared […]